Thursday, 15 January 2015

My world of gesticolare

Today, I appointed a new member of staff.  His name is Davidoff.  He arrived at the front gate to the sound of bugles, trumpets and fireworks.  He is from Brazil and his main duty is shovelling coal onto my fire.  He answered an advert I placed in the Situations Vacant section of MILF magazine.  Here he is in all his brazen Brazilian bodaciousness:
 
He has a special outfit he must wear at all times: a tiny blue and black Spandex posing pouch with a gold star, a black tie and a matching cap.  He is shirt-less and trouser-less at all times (it's Health & Safety, y'er know: if a spark from the fire touched any unnecessarily-worn fabrics, he could go up in flames!).  He is summoned by hand-bell.


Davidoff speaks absolutely no English.  And that's just the way I like my men (Juan, my butler/chauffeur is the same).  It means there is no answering back!  My mother always said I was good at languages but I cannot be bothered learning the language they speak in Brazil, which I believe is Welsh.  Therefore, in the absence of the national language of Brazil, we communicate in a kind of sign-language, using either gestures or everyday objects as props.  Because the Italians cannot be bothered learning their own language, they have their gesticolare or gesticulations, which are a substitute to language.  Therefore, what's good for the goose is also good for the gander.   For those who only ever came away from secondary school with a GCSE in Animal Husbandry, I'll enlighten you now that gesturing is a form of non-verbal communication in which visible bodily actions communicate particular messages; they may include the use of hands, face, mouth, or other body parts, or the use of clothes or food.  Below are some of the gesticulations I use on a daily basis with Davidoff and Juan.


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For example, this means "go down the long, narrow corridor into my coal-house and refill the coal scuttle".

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And this means "I've got a bit of Yorkshire pudding stuck in my throat.  I might choke to death in a second or two. Can you give me the Heimlich Manoeuvre?  But is it okay if I strip naked first, before you do that?"

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This gesture means "pass the fruit bowl, dear, I feel like noshing another banana.  I simply cannot be bothered to get off my bone-idle lazy ass and move half an inch to get it myself".

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And yes, you guessed it, this 'tongue-slowly-touches-tooth-and-licks-glossy-lips-with-intent' gesture means "I'm as parched as an Arab's armpit.  Can you get me something cold to drink, like a triple-strength gin n' tonic?  Oh my word, I slipped on a glacé cherry and all my clothing has accidentally-on-purpose dropped off".
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My nail put sideways into my mouth means "Will you fetch my Moulin Rouge Vermillion Slut's Lipstick from my Powder Room?"


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And this gesture means "It's really that long?  Wow!  Just wait until my friend Rodney from L.A. hears about it: there'll be an open door to the film-world for you!"

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This means "I've got terribly restless fingers.  I'd love some traditional Greek worry-beads to shake.  Or failing that some Brazilian nuts to put in my gob.".   A reader contacted me to say the hand gesture may also be used in some quarters to mean: "Would you like a hand-job?".   Hmmm... whatever that is!

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And this gesture means "Come to mummy!"

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And finally, when I'm feeling particularly lonesome, this hand gesture shows the index finger and forefinger held apart to form a 'C'.  And that, my dear reader, stands for cock!

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Are there any gestures that you use that you wish to share with Fanny?  Write to me x

3 comments:

  1. Oh dear Fanny!!!!! I absolutely love the way you think and I would swear, we're cut from the same cloth dear. I have a whole slew of house help, personally interviewed by myself of course. Its a very rigorous process. But we only want the best no? Like your help, most of mine wear very little, or I swear nothing at all. I assume maybe a allergy to clothing???? But its nice to keep the help happy I say, for its so hard to find good cock, oops, I mean help these days. Love your little spot here too. I have arrived through our dear Princess. Tootles!

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  2. Adopting this hand position and waggling the thumb up and down could indicate to Davidoff that your lips are extra slack today and my fire place could do with a good stoking.

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  3. Darling Fanny,

    As you know we have recently returned from South America and we can verify that you have caught a fabulous catch in Davidoff. And, from our experience of Brazilians ( who are Portuguese speaking in the main......we left school with O levels) there will be a never ending house party with Davidoff around.

    However, we must give warning that, of the Brazilians we have met.....mainly on New Year's Eve crowded into a lift wearing very little......they do not seem to like work. And, darling Fanny, you do seem to require rather a lot of fetching and carrying to be done.

    We suggest that instead of setting Davidoff to work you set off with him on a South American adventure. Copacabana, we are certain, will be exactly your kind of place!

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