Friday, 1 February 2013

Fanny Love and the Crack of Doom

I'm giving my singing career a rest (my 12 and a half octave voice has recently been strained because of performing too much oral sex) so in the interim, I've turned my hand to writing.  As many of you know, I published my first book, Fanny Love and the Crack of Doom, back in the 1990s.  

It was an immediate best-seller.

Well, it's been re-released by Penguin Poo Books and has just been voted "Number One Bodice-Ripper" by readers of the Daily Mail.   The Daily Mail is a type of comic which is used at fish n chip shops up and down this island to wrap fried fish in.

Nonetheless, I was literally titillated to get such a literary accolade from the University degree-educated readers of Britain's best newspaper/comic.  

What's my novel about?   Fanny Love and the Crack of Doom is a classic soft porn novel about a very famous and very beautiful transvestite who gets eaten by a transvestite-eating venus fly trap plant that escapes from London zoo and goes on the rampage.    It sold over 200 million billion trillion copies when it was first printed in the early 1990s.  Rumour has it that much of the vast de-forestation in the Amazonian rainforest was directly caused by the book publisher's incessant needs to source enough paper to print my book.   Demand for my book led to a severe global paper shortage, you see.

 Sadly, the entire Amazon Rainforest was almost completely stripped of trees, in order to provide enough paper to print all the required copies of my book, such was the huge demand.  Bah humbug.

Maybe this year I'll be knighted and accept the title of poet laureate?  I'm waiting with baited breasts for that one!  I've already bought a yellow ostrich feather hat in nervous anticipation for the occasion.

Here is an excerpt from the book, a particularly romantic section.  I hope you enjoy:

Sister Honey screamed out loud in pure ecstacy as the fat Bishop, his gargantuan butterball frame almost filling the alcove below the church's stained glass window, forced his humungous, engorged purple love-pole into her tiny, vermillion peep-hole and bellowed at the top of his voice 'take it like a bitch'.  Meanwhile, the assembled congregation in front of them broke out in verse, singing All Things Bright and Beautiful, whilst Sister Honey's moans of "please frig my twat harder" were only heard by the Bishop.

Rare and elusive Wombles can often be spotted late at night on London's Hampstead Heath.
Meanwhile, in another part of London, celebrated authoress Fanny Love - wearing a seal-skin dress, purple stilettos made from quartz that made a seductive clacking sound when she walked over marble - was waltzing across the marshy tract of Hampstead Heath looking for Uncle Vulgaria, one of her favourite Wombles of all time.  "Stop right there" shouted Fanny, her scarlet whore's mouth spitting out the words with venom, as she caught sight of a large, furry, brown object up ahead, bent over a log.  "Oh hello George Michael, I didn't realise it was you.  Have you seen Uncle Vulgaria?".
Move over Ernest Hemingball, Charles Dicket and Jeffrey Archer, celebrated author and poet Fanny Love is back with a writing vengeance! x


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  2. Your book had me gripped Fanny, very Barbara Cartland esque! Is it available on Kindle?

    1. *gasp*

      Barbara Cartland was my idol and I do think it was very brave of her to start acting in porn movies at the ripe age of 88, somewhat late in her career nonetheless; my favourite Barbara Cartland porn movies were "Spankenstein", "A Clockwork Orgy", "The Bitches of East Dick", "Clitty Clitty Bang Bang" and "Assault on Brothel 69: Golden Showers". I have a Barbara Cartland room here at my country estate: full of pink objects in memory of the Queen of Pink, even an autographed photo. I'll blog about that room soon.

      Yes, my book will be available on Kindle as well as being read out by Kenneth Williams on CBeebie's Jackanory! x

  3. Hello Fanny:
    Even from this short excerpt from your novel, we can tell that we are in the presence of genius. And, here we were thinking that nothing decent had been published since 'Room with a View' only to find that there are publishers with foresight out there who can sniff out a bestseller at 100 yards. Clearly, the world has been waiting for you, needs you and will surely download you or buy you in paperback at the first opportunity. Will there be a book signing to which we may be invited? We love to be VIPs.

    You were blocked, we know not how, but have now worked out how to unblock you and here we are amongst your happy band of Followers!Thank you so much for following us.

    1. Hello Jane and Lance,

      Oh yes, there will be a VIP Book Signing event - probably at The Ivy - and both your good selves, and Mitzi, Miss MJ and all my other wonderful friends will be cordially invited by gold-embossed invitation. I am flattened and honoured to hear you call me 'a genius'.

      The inspiration for my literary genius were the wonderful Mills & Boon books: I began reading them at the Swiss finishing school I attended from the tender age of 12. The school was so badly-run and so financially destitute that Matron used to tear the pages out of M&B novels, cut them into triangles and use them as toilet paper! Every day, whilst sitting on the thunder-box, I got to read a little excerpt from an unknown, but saucy bodice-ripper before it was flushed away down the pan, gone forever, not without it having burnt an indelible mark in my literary conscience.

      A 'Room with a View'? Oh yes, that's a classic and I love it.

      It's good to be following your wonderful blog too.

  4. Who will star in the movie version?

    1. I'd need a beautiful, classy transvestite to star in the movie version....

      ....... your good self or Mitzi would be ideal as the leading role!

      -------You'd have to be swallowed whole by a transvestite-eating venus fly-trap though, I hope that's not a problem? x

    2. I'd love to see a film starring all three - Fanny Love, Mitzi and Miss MJ. What a hot film that would be! x