Wednesday, 29 January 2014

A bling toilet

I've got 17 bathrooms here at Raffles, so I had one of these diamond-studded toilets installed in each bathroom.   When you flush, the thing plays Greensleeves at full volume.  Delightful! And, of course, it was necessary to buy some new toilet paper, too.  So I chose the following design, completely bespoke.  There's something so satisfying about my choice of design... and it doesn't feel scratchy on the bum like that horrid old tracing-paper stuff.

Unbleached, unpulped, soft-as-a-feather toilet tissue
with Belladonna the Maid's ugly face lovingly printed onto
every sheet.

Tuesday, 28 January 2014

Extra security

As you can see, I've had to get extra security to prevent Belladonna, my arsonist maid (also known as Belladonna Bitchhole) from re-entering the premises after her scandalous shenanigans onboard a train.   These men were handpicked by none other than moi.    Third from the Left is very good in bed (I cannot begin to describe the sexual gymnastics he forced me to perform)!   We've had to put up electric fencing.  The place looks more like Colditz than Playgirl Mansion.

Meanwhile, I last saw Belladonna living out on the village green, rummaging through the bins, eating chicken gizzards.  It is so heart-warming to know that she's found her place in life.

Belladonna looks a bit rough in this photograph. 

Thursday, 23 January 2014

Arson aboard the 23.52 service to London

Down in the kitchens, I was just about to stuff a turkey with a Terry's Chocolate Orange when the news came on the television.   Normally I don't watch TV whilst cooking, but it does make a nice background noise.   I froze in horror at the images being shown on screen ... all on live television, screened to millions across the nation!    (*Turn your volume up*)

Just watch this news report: 

Who'd have thought it?  Belladonna, the fire-starter!  

I am outraged that the BBC News mistakenly put a photograph of an elderly woman wearing a Burqa to represent me.  My publicist would have sent them one of my glamour-modelling shots, but no they put up a picture of someone who is not even me.  No doubt done on purpose! They shall be hearing from my lawyer!

Belladonna Bitchhole has brought my household into unforgivable and serious disrepute.  I really must get rid of her now.   Apparently, she's been released on police bail.  I shall have to booby-trap the drive so she can't even get near the house...

Sunday, 5 January 2014

Why I bought 12 truckloads of spray

I'm at my wit's end as to what to do about my maid, Belladonna (known by her pet-name, Belladonna Bitchhole).  This morning I went to Pets R Us - a shop run by poodles, for poodles - and purchased 12 truckloads of this delightful spray.  When I got home and found Belladonna, I sprayed a whole can in her face, the way police officers spray mace on Police Camera Action (my second favourite TV programme, after The Wombles).  She's now weeping in the coal-shed, much sub-dued.