Sunday, 28 October 2012

A terrible stench

As I was enjoying a decadent breakfast of larks' tongues on toast, quaffed down with a goblet of pink champagne, I received an emailed Press Release stating that Lady Vagina - a delusional, Z-list lesbian - releases a new perfume to the market tomorrow.

I almost spat my larks' tongues onto the carpet in disbelief at the audacity of that abominable woman and her harbinger of not just simple bad taste, but vulgar, rotten taste masquerading itself as style.

Lady Vagina? Style icon?  Launching a new fragrance that people will want to buy?  There's more chance of Jimmy Savile launching his own fragrance and people flocking to buy it, than any success of the aforementioned walrus-skinned, delusional has-been getting her claws into the perfume industry.  

I will say one thing, though: her design company have clearly created a beautifully-presented and unique perfume bottle that personifies the inventor, Lady Vagina, down to the ground.

Lady Vagina's new fragrance.

Lady Vagina's new scent, "Monkey Love" is released to the market on Monday 30 October 2012.  

A fresh, sexy scent.  Sweet, bold and definitely a conversation-stopper, this Eau de Toilette is presented in an unforgettable green fur clad bottle, with a monkey head stopper.   Sold in all good charity shops, retailing at 49p for a 300ml fragrance bottle.  

Why not go out and buy a bottle, as I'm sure it would make a wonderful Christmas present for your Grandma*!

* Just make sure she's not allergic to any of the ingredients (such as nitroglycerine or ascorbic acid, plutonium, strontium 90, carbolic acid, battery acid or weedkiller).


  1. My perfume has knocked J-lo's Glow off the number 1 spot for the top selling perfume.

    Stick that up your loose arse you silly old has-been.

    Lady V

  2. I asked my handyman to do the annual cleanse of the drains at my country estate in Buckinghamshire. Instead of using his usual heavy-duty chemicals to perform the job, he used your new fragrance. Frankly speaking, I've now been to inspect one of the drains by scraping a silver teaspoon down the trap, and I can say that your fragrance did a better job of clearing all the gunge, and we've now got perfectly clear drains. Now that's what I call a "trade mis-description", Lady Vagina, trying to sell drain cleaner as a lady's evening fragrance.

  3. I was reading the menu at the entrance to Morrison Cafe the other day, I made an enquiry to the serving wench regarding an item on the menu I wasn't familiar with, I asked the down trodden hatchet faced serf "What is a chip butty?" you'll never believe what the old cunt told me next! Chips, crammed into a buttered breadcake, Chips? I asked if she meant chipped potatoes, she nodded in the affirmative. My maid Carmen eventually brought me round with the hartshorn. No larks tongues on toast on the menu there, not even a whiff of an ossiphrage and quail's egg salad, what is the world coming to Fanny?

    1. My dearest Mitzi, I'm so sorry to learn of this; I personally cannot tolerate Morrisons, nor the abominable Tesco or Asda. They are full of hoi polloi, and they are staffed by what I can only politely describe as 'trailer-trash', a phrase that when even spoken in a whisper will bring me out in an alarming rash. I would dearly love to meet your maid, Carmen. She sounds as if she has a knack with the hartshorn. Personally, I prefer a sniff of the old brown bottle of poppers to bring me round after a shock. Hope to see you soon, Fanny xx

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    1. Yes, I visited your blog... what a load of nonsensical drivel. Thanks for spamming my comments section. I just love spam. It comes in tins from Lidl and Aldi for just 29p, it's so nutritious and the mothers on the council estate in Tiddleywink have it on toast. Fanny x