Friday, 21 February 2014

A dog's day

Here at Raffles, I share my life with two dogs: Brenda, my Doberman Pinscher and Mr P, my boisterous poodle.  Brenda used to jump on the chaise-longue, roll on her back and piss in Belladonna the Maid's face and was rewarded for doing so with copious amounts of Bonio's.  Mr P is short for Mr Puffywuffycutesweetgummywummygumdrop (Fanny likes a mouthful!).  Mr P likes his cuddles and walks in the rain.  

In this photo taken yesterday, you can see that Mr P stands incredibly still sometimes, so still that it's possible to put down a wine glass and wine bottle for a while.  He doesn't mind a bit.  When I come back, not a drop of wine has been spilt!

Today, it dawned on me that it was high time I got Mr P taken to the dog grooming parlour - his tresses were unruly, he is long overdue for a haircut.

 Mr P was very unhappy about having to sit next to that bitch.

"What is it you'd like done for him?" said the dog grooming parlour assistant.  

"Surprise me!" I said, before leaving the parlour to head off to my favourite high-class department store, Poundland.

Imagine my orgasmic delight when I returned to the dog parlour two hours later to pick up Mr P and found a transformed pooch. 

Here he is, in all his glory....

I am so amazed by his transformation from a white fluff-ball to a work of art, I have walked him round the village (I, myself, was naked at the time, but for an umbrella) to show off his beautiful plumage.


  1. Fanny are you familiar with the works of Oscar Tusquet? Imagine this as Mr P, you know, when his time comes, he'll look absolutely stunning on gold swivel caster wheels and would compliment any room.

    I once caught Carmen smothering Nutella all over her buttocks and nipsy and getting the next door neighbour's dog to lick it off.

    1. Thanks for the link, Mitzi. Never heard of Oscar Tusquet but his works are wonderful: I especially love the fact Osc took a live sheep, stuffed it and turned it into a chest of drawers. I'd seriously like to consider commissioning Oscar to embalm my dangerously psychotic ex-maid, Belladonna. He could stuff her and mount her on a gold and lapis lazuli display-stand. It would take pride of place in my Grand Banquet Hall and would surely be a conversation piece the world over. Hello! magazine, no doubt, would want to come and do a photo-piece, they have approached me before but I told them to politely fuck off.

      I am frankly disgusted by Carmen's activities with Nutella. That poor nextdoor neighbour's dog to have to perform such an abhorrent and deviant act. Carmen sounds as bad as Belladonna, if not worse. If I were you, I would flog Carmen at dawn with a cat o' nine tails until she sees some sense.