Tuesday, 27 May 2014

Incandescent with rage over TV Licensing

I was just noisily gobbling down some larks' tongues on toast for breakfast, followed by a pewter flute of Dom Perignon White Gold Jeroboam champagne when Postman Pat came and popped an ominous brown envelope through my slot.  I was expecting more fan mail and immediately flew into a violent rage and tore open the envelope to reveal the above letter, from someone called TV Licensing - the sheer cheek of it!  I spat a mouthful of lark tongue onto the carpet and rushed to the typewriter, to immediately bash out the following response to these people:

How dare they interrupt my breakfast!  I've heard tales of people being harassed by this institution.  Do you think my letter will get them off my back?


  1. Darling Fanny,

    As you surely know, you can have no more loyal fans than we two, you cannot be adored more than we two do, you cannot be more cherished than by the two of us, you cannot be held in higher esteem than we two place you.....and, yet, we have to say that your beautifully written, totally restrained, grammatically perfect and altogether divine letter to the TV licensing authorities may not work.

    Why? You may ask.

    Because, like it or not, you do have a television. We have seen it on your blog.

    We, however, your devoted fans, do not. Have a television that is. We have not had a television for thirty years. You and the one other reader that we have will not have even caught a glimpse of a television on our blog. That is because we do not have one. A television that is.

    However, we have tried telling this to the TV licensing authorities and they still send us the same letter that they have sent you. Constantly. They interrupt our breakfast, lunch and dinner with their letters. The threats get worse. The fines are stratospheric. But, we do not have a television.

    Is there a crime in not owning a television we ask?

    Love and happy viewing. J and L xxx

    1. My dearest Jane and Lance,

      Yes, I fear that it is an offence of the worst order not to own - and not to watch - a television. The punishment is harsh - you will both be flogged at dawn on the steps of the Television Licensing Headquarters and then forced to watch Eastenders, Homes Under The Hammer and The Hairy Bikers, all in rapid succession as part of your sentence.

      Fanny xxx

    2. Darling Fanny,

      When may we present ourselves for the whipping?...........

    3. You will have to go to BBC Television Centre in White City London at 9am sharp. Philip Schofield will do the whipping! x

    4. PS I am utterly flattered to have two such wonderful fans as yourselves! x