Friday, 31 October 2014

Trick or treat, bitch?

Happy Halloween to you!   Here I am trying to make a squid, brussel sprout and sweetcorn casserole, and just about to carve out my pumpkin into a ghoulish face, when someone rang the doorbell repeatedly, sounding like a naughty schoolboy trying to pull the bell off the wall.   I don't usually answer the door as I have a natural aversion to Jehovah's Witnesses and travelling double-glazing salesmen, but on this occasion, I was feeling more relaxed thanks to a doubleshot of absinthe.

Last year, trick-or-treaters spray-painted my car with graffiti; therefore, I went to the door armed with pumpkin-shaped white chocolates injected with powerful laxatives.  I flung open the door to see this terrifying vision.  "Oh my fucking God!  Belladonna! Have I gone mad?", I muttered.

"Trick or treat, bitch?" said the ghastly vision in front of me, every bit of it resembling Belladonna, my Russian ex-maid, in every excruciatingly hideous detail.  Months ago, she was last seen floating off into the summer sky on a hot air balloon.   "Get out, bitch!" I shouted and slammed the door ferociously in Belladonna's face and went to search for some silver and holy water.


  1. Happy Halloween!

    Oh, our Ada! When you said you went in search for some silver, did you mean silver bullets?

    1. Yes, silver bullets. Apparently that is the only way to kill a lesbo-nympho-maniac vampire like Belladonna. They sell silver bullets in my local Asda, next to car parts.

      Happy Halloween to you, Mitzi.

  2. Happy Halloween!
    I fear Belladonna is indestructible. Plutonium powders may do the trick though - stick it in the sherbet dip when she turns up next year.

  3. Hi darling
    I'll certainly do that. Hope you had a good Halloween and didn't suffer any ghastly visitations?
    Fanny x