After the Belladonna incident, I felt such inconsolable shame and a crippling social ruin that I turned to the medicine cabinet, also known as the drinks cabinet.
What followed was a ferocious afternoon spent splurging on fishbowls of the most unimaginable and grotesque alcoholic mélanges until pink elephants danced in front of my eyes.
As much as I love Jasper, my pet goldfish, it was high time he gave up his goldfish bowl and moved to another one so Mummy could make a final fishbowl cocktail of vodka, gin and rum.
Cataplexic after downing a fishbowl of vodka, gin and rum, followed by five Velvet Devil Whiskey Cocktails, three Cherry Brandy Cocktails and fourteen Cuban Mojitos, I hobbled on one leg out into the garden, with a feather boa wrapped around my neck. The world began to spin and I tripped forward and fell down a rabbit hole... Yes, quite literally, just like Alice!
Glad I hadn't yet soiled my underwear.
The world looked very strange from down there.
Inside the rabbithole it was quite warm and soft. I edged forward and the earth gave way and I was suddenly falling, very fast, downards.
When I next opened my eyes, I was lying in a beautiful garden with giant mushrooms for trees and a purple sky. A white rabbit, the size of a human being, with a pocket watch, hopped by saying "I'm late". Obviously, not England.
As I turned round, I saw a shocking sight.
I turned and ran and headed for a castle on the hill. When I reached the entrance, I ran straight inside to beg for help. As I collapsed into the banquet hall, an even more bizarre sight presented itself.
It was some bizarre tea party going on, with a green frog, a rabbit with a pocket watch, a talking cat, a mouse with a sword, and, most horrifyingly of all, four Belladonnas, dressed flamboyantly in Elizabethan clothing, sitting at the table. The Belladonna in the middle, the fattest of them all, was about to pour tea. The table was laid with the finest china cups and saucers and underfoot were Persian carpets.
And then behind me, there was a creaking noise as a wooden door swung open to reveal a grand hallway of red marble. At the end, sat what looked like a Queen, with her feet resting on a live pig who was grunting softly. But the Queen's face was unmistakably Belladonna's.
"Off with her head" shouted Belladonna, gesturing at me. The walls seemed to close in on me and my last memory is screaming my head off....
Some time later, I woke with a stinking hangover.
The first thing I saw was this.
I suddenly realised that Juan, my Brazilian butler, was standing over me, completely naked.
"Where am I? What happened?" I demanded, "Have I fallen through the centre of the Earth and ended up in Narnia?".
"We're on holiday, together" he responded, "in Portugal".
"What? The last I remember was that I was extremely drunk, went out in the garden and fell down a rabbit hole!" I screamed, "Belladonna was there, she was everywhere. Mad Belladonna's Tea Party!"