Thursday, 9 July 2015

Never take your Maid on holiday!

This little chapter provides a stark warning why you should never take your maid on holiday with you.   No matter how much money you've spent lobotomizing the Maid, trying to tame her wild mood-swings by lacing her tea with Xanax or Valium, or teaching her deportment lessons, it's just an entirely fruitless exercise.

You see, I've been in sunny Portugal for the past three weeks and foolishly I brought Basil, the Maid, along for the trip. 

Basil dyed her hair blonde for the trip.  Basil likes the sun, she is one of those lucky British citizens who is as pale as a sheet of paper and because of this, she does not bother with suntan lotion, finds it insulting to her sensibilities to protect herself from the mega-watt sun and a painful death due to malignant melanoma.  Her lily-white skin instead turns an unearthly shade of lobster in just a few hours and she stares at herself in the mirror like some delusional Helen of Troy.  At the same moment, Basil enjoys drinking Red Bull.  Her fingers are so pudgy she cannot operate the mechanism for opening the drinks can, instead she just bites the metal off and spits it on the sand.  The other day I witnessed her opening an oyster by placing it between her legs and squeezing.   Clearly, she is a girl of multifarious talents.

 Basil, in her quick-dry St Tropez micro-bikini

To get to the point of this story, I was wallowing in the water off the beach near Troia and I realised something had inexplicably changed about the sea view.  I had never noticed islands off this coastline, yet there they were.   Two of them, about thirty metres away.

As I returned to the beach, I see Basil laughing, her whole bulk quivering like a mountain of lard in her gigantic red bathing suit.   

"I pooped in the sea" she bawled.

"You disgusting bitch!" I called back.

Tomorrow, I am planning revenge on her.    It will be short, painful and sweet.  Bringing her along on this trip has been like a re-enactment of The Taming of The Shrew.


  1. Oh my word. Basil might be responsible for all manner of unexplained objects!
    Good luck with the taming, I hope you are successful.

    1. Hello Ms Scarlet,

      Basil, unfortunately, is responsible for much pollution to the world's atmosphere. Most of it comes out of her mouth.

      Fanny x

  2. I popped by earlier but I couldn't stay and chat as my maid of all work Carmen had entered the room to Nair my undercarriage and surrounding areas.

    I love Basil's eye catching avant-garde item of swim wear, I might buy one for Carmen, even though she isn't in a tip top physical shape as your maid. Carmen thinks a pair of baggy shorts are the order of the day when it comes to swimming or lounging by the pool.

    1. I love Nair... it works so much better than Immac (now known as Veet). Belladonna, my ex-maid, once used a whole tub of Immac to do her back. Sugar-waxing is nice as well, isn't it? I used to use the product Golden Balls, but it was discontinued.

      Anyway, enough talk about depilatories, shall I mail you one of Basil's swimsuits for Carmen to try? I would love to see her walking around Scarborough in it. It might start a trend! Fanny x