A bizarre premonition/hallucination came into my head this morning : my no-good maid, Basil, with her... er.... winning lottery ticket.
The English tabloids have pounced on the story of tragic, gran-of-four Susanne Hinte, from Worcester, whose £2 lottery ticket accidentally went through a complete washing machine cycle, only for her to later discover that the ticket matched all 6 numbers and she was the probable winner of £33 million. Unfortunately, the ticket came out from the wash less than shipshape fashion and her claim is being fiercely debated in many circles. As I was eating fish 'n' chips the other night, I read about Susanne Hinte's sorry story beneath the leftover cod bones and vinegary newspaper wrappings in my lap. Police have warned that people attempting to defraud the lottery will be arrested and jailed. Basil, my maid, has been transfixed to the TV news since, and keeps asking how she can possibly win the lottery and she then listed the 101 things she would do with the money (Number 1: Buy a House in Basildon, Number 2: Get the World's Biggest Boob Job).
Susanne Hinte's lottery ticket (above) went through a boil wash
but she claims she is still entitled to £33 million.
Fanny, as you may have read on a toilet wall, loves to play the lottery and has a thing about coloured balls. Yes, my latest collection of multi-coloured sponge anal beads is actually numbered 1 to 59 and these small, comfortable balls have been known to pop out of their resting places at the most inopportune moments. The surfacing of an anal bead - or even two at the same moment - even during a dinner date or an evening of fine opera, is a great way to pick lottery numbers! Although it does give me a bout of indigestion.
Lovely squidgy anal beads, all carefully numbered. When they randomly pop out from my crack it makes for a great way to chose lottery numbers.
I just won £33 million. What an amazing coincidence! How did my numbers come up? Well, it's a little trick I learnt as a child in the boring 1980s, watching Blue Peter.
You're going to need some scissors, some sticky-back plastic (in other words, sellotape) and a little bit of patience. Carefully, note down the six winning lottery numbers, and then, retain your old lottery ticket which didn't win jack-shit. Then, go out and buy a new lottery ticket, using last night's six winning numbers. Back at home, using the scissors, cut off the bottom half of the new lottery ticket, showing all six winning lottery numbers, and using the sticky-back plastic/sellotape, carefully sellotape the old ticket's date and time on top of the new ticket, making one new ticket. There you are! You now have a winning ticket. As Blue Peter used to say, "here's one I made earlier".
As it turns out, I sent my maid of work, Basil, out to Lottery Headquarters with the (*sniggers out loud, uncontrollably*) winning ticket. It was the least I could do in exchange for the lovely runny boiled egg breakfast she served me this morning, which, in other words, was a recipe of salmonella. Basil's pudgy, unmanicured fingers snatched the sellotaped lottery ticket from my hand like a half-starved peasant and she was off at the speed of a greyhound after a hare.
"I can taste it now, Fanny" she chortled as she went out the door, "all that lovely fizzy champagne they give you when you win gushing down my throat. I'm going to buy a Ferrari. Thank you so much for allowing me to go and collect the money on your behalf".