Tuesday, 18 September 2012

Mona Breezeblock and her native Luton

This is my dear friend, Mona Breezeblock.  She claims to be a "classy transvestite from the good part of Luton, Bedfordshire [sorry, which part?]".  

"My most favouritist things in life are the simple things: cocaine and caviar, beers down the pub with mates, a good, ring-stinger curry.  And, did I say, I have a liquorice fetish: I love buying the stuff and sucking it through the gap in my front teeth.  Liquorice stains are everywhere, all over the house.  I'm a wild child of the 80s, you see, I still listen to AC/DC on a 12-inch record player.  

I especially adore dogging in ripped fishnets, plenty of bling and a shoulder-length black wig - and my startling collection of sex toys take up a lot of time, too: I've got over 32 Chinese love eggs, in a rainbow of different colours, one even vibrates whilst another plays We Wish You a Merry Christmas.  I hang out at the layby off the A6 at Clophill as well as the A43 just out of Northampton.  You see I've been a transvestite for almost 10 years now.".

 Drag queen, more like it.
Not that I've ever visited, but just a 1-hour drive away from my rural estate in NW Buckinghamshire, is Mona's 'scenic' town of Luton.  From what I've heard elsewhere, it's reputed to be the "TV Set Thrown From The Top Floor Of A Tower Block" Capital of the World, which is all the more reason to visit, although Mona naturally denied this.

"When TV Licensing blitzed these 15-storey flats on the Marsh Farm Estate to see who had a tv licence, the residents threw their TV sets out of the top floor flat; most had never owned a TV licence in their lives."- Sorry, Mona, I'd rather believe this resident's view over your rose-tinted version.

According to drag queen, Mona Breezeblock,  it's not all bad, as there is some classical countryside in Bedfordshire to get lost in, if you don't mind the smell of rotten eggs and a sudden geyser of molten-hot, sulphurous air shooting out of the ground without warning:

Owing to its multi-cultural population, Mona continues that there are some great eateries serving the finest cuisine outside of London, as epitomised by this picture: 

"Luton has a state-of-the-art airport" she prattles and her pictures really prove that.   "I flew to Benidorm with my Mum and we had a great holiday there, I was popping Valium like candy the whole time".

If you get bored of the immediately-unobvious multifarious charms of Luton, there is the Greenhouse Sauna, defining itself as "the UK's premier healthclub".  A frequent visitor herself, Mona Breezeblock recently told me that the Greenhouse Luton are running a promotion on their Twitter page.   

If you have giant-size genitalia and you can prove it, you get a 100% discount on the £13 entrance fee.  I've reproduced their Tweet for you.  I can't really see that same promotion working at other healthclub establishments such as LA Fitness or Golds Gym, but I admire their creativity.

1 comment:

  1. Love that Mona Lisa composite. Hilarious.