Monday 24 February 2014

Quelle horreur!

A man tapped on the window of my limousine to ask if he could have my autograph.  "Where shall I sign?" I said, batting my eyelids in false modesty and hungrily licking my lips.  I'm such a fame-whore, I love all the attention!  I was waiting for him to hand me an autograph book, or better still, to expose a part of his body for me to sign with my gold fountain pen stolen from the stationery counter at Harrods.  I love it when a young man wants my signature on his thigh, or better still, his groin or even further south.  However, he just shrugged and handed me an empty packet of pork scratchings.  Imagine that!  It felt like a slap round the face to be asked to sign my autograph on an packet of pork scratchings.

The consumption of pork scratchings is a bizarre British trait which I've never fully understood or appreciated: in certain quarters, they're consumed in large quantities. They consist of hairy bits of pig-rind, slick with fat; sometimes they're hard and could crack your teeth.  Every corner shop and every pub sells them and they're loaded with nutrients (100,000 calories per bite).  I shudder at the thought of having to eat one.  The smell reminds me of Belladonna.

12 comments:

  1. Darling Fanny:

    However alluring, however attractive, however desirable the young man to be, darling, you really must not, as clearly you did, reduce your eminence to writing on a packet of pork scratchings!!

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    1. You are so correct in all that you say, my dearest Jane and Lance. I shall not stoop so low next time and I shall always remember what my strict Great Aunt Maud told me: "Never converse with young men on the street, especially those with cum-to-bed eyes; they'll bring you nothing but trouble"!

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  2. They have left the bristles on, how vile! A friend of mine once proffered an opened bag of Scampi Fries right under my nose, I declined his offer saying that I didn't want my fingers to smell fishy, however I am partial to a Cheese Moment but they're hard to come by. I had a brush with fame a few years ago and I didn't like it, well, wasn't exactly fame, it was like more paranoia. I was sat at a table in an Italian caif waiting for friends to arrive, people kept coming in and gawping at me, pointing, talking in whispers, one old lass had the nerve to put on her lorgnette and had a proper stare, that's when I got up to change my seat to sit facing the wall then I realised that they weren't looking at me at all but looking at the menu board that was above my head. But for celebrities, like your good self and Jeanette Krankie it must be hell.

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    1. I love Scampi too, and Cheese Moments, well they're divine, but there's nothing worse than fishy fingers. I was saddened to learn that you felt you must face the wall when some old trout came in wearing lorgnettes and gave you the once-over.

      Am I correct in thinking that Jeanette Krankie sang "My Long-Haired Lover from Liverpool"? That's one of my favourite songs, it's positively wanktastic.

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    2. Yes! She likes to dress up as a school boy and calls herself Jimmy, Susan Boyle drools over her too. Here is Susan Boyle impersonating Little Jimmy at one of her concerts.

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    3. I have often frigged myself off over Susan Boyle.. not her music but her extraordinary beauty which is unparalleled.

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  3. God, how rude. And the very idea of these hairy fried "things" makes me cringe too.

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    1. The pig-rind is rancid. Pork scratchings (even the name makes you want to start scratching all over) really are an acquired taste, not unlike faggots, spotted dick, toad in the hole and countless other peculiar British delicacies.

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  4. I count myself lucky for not even knowing what they smell like. Dear Lord, the things that people eat (and knowingly at that).

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    1. Hi Blue, welcome to my blog, feel free to drop by any time. You are so lucky not to know what pork scratchings taste like. They are an abomination! Fanny x

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    2. Thanks for the warning. Not that they look particularly delicious, which makes me wonder why anyone would risk their lives taking a bite.

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    3. They have a little radioactive green glow about them, so you do get a forewarning. One bite of these Pork Scratchings equals thousands of calories, so you can imagine that if an obese person were to eat only half a packet, they would explode!

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