Tuesday, 17 June 2014

A reader asks: why did Belladonna have to go?

A reader emailed to ask precisely why I got rid of Belladonna.   Have you not been reading the blog, my dear?  Belladonna was a stark-raving lunatic.  And she was Russian!  If that's not enough, a few weeks ago before she was finally ejected from the premises and began living rough on the village green, Belladonna was politely told to clean the bathroom until she could see her great ugly face reflected in the glistening porcelain; I have impeccable cleaning standards and it's not an altogether unusual request, you might think, for a live-in maid to perform such a task.  Here are the pictures of Belladonna "cleaning the bathroom", just to prove to the world her lunacy.

It was at this point that Belladonna cast off her pink maid's pinafore, threw down her feather duster and completely snapped.  It was like a small bomb going off.

Finding the bathroom door locked, Belladonna decided to break it down, with an axe taken from the wood shed.


In no time at all, she had turned most of the bathroom door into matchsticks with the axe.  She then put her face through the gaping hole and shrieked like a banshee "Heeere's Bella!".

When one is powdering one's nose, it is the most inconvenient moment for an axe attack.
I dunno.... I do blame those high energy drinks, like Red Bull, that she's been consuming in vast quantities for her disturbed behaviour.

After I escaped from Belladonna's axe-wielding clutches through the bathroom window via a little game of kiss-chase through the hedge maze, I found that she'd been writing her autobiography on the old typewriter in her servants' quarters.  What a strange piece of writing it turned out to be.

That night, after barricading myself into my room for fear of further attacks from my mentally-deranged maid, I had the most terrifying nightmare of my life, in which Belladonna in her younger years appeared as twins holding hands. I woke up screaming the house down.

I hope, dear Reader, I've made it obvious why Belladonna the Maid had to go!  I am hoping to hire a new maid and I've placed an ad in Horse & Hound Magazine.  It would be wonderful to find a reliable girl, a shining example such as MitziClutterfromtheGutter's Carmen, who is, apparently, a domestic goddess.

Belladonna, unhinged.  Also known as The Mad-Axe Woman of Vladivostok.


  1. Darling Fanny,

    We can quite see why Belladonna had to go. Indeed, we have seen this coming for a long time as avid and exceedingly careful readers of your blog.

    However, replacing her, even though she was slovenly, morbidly obese and just downright lazy, will not be easy. As an aged parent frequently said to us......one cannot get proper staff since the War. Now, which war she meant exactly is anyone's guess, but the point remains that live in staff are rarer than hen's teeth. And, do not forget, darling Fanny, that you will need to offer extras to entice a decent housemaid. A pink pinny alone will not suffice and the Ukraine which was such a reliable source of inexpensive home help is rather more difficult to negotiate with of late.

    We are so sorry to be such prophets of doom and gloom. Perhaps you should train up Juan?

    1. My darling Jane and Lance, I think you're right, I am going to have to train Juan up. The Ukraine does not interest me so much. I wonder whether Juan will like being made to dress in a pink pinny?

      Fanny xx

    2. My darling Jane and Lance,

      I completely agree with you about the Ukraine and that live-in staff are rarer than hen's teeth. My only option is to train Juan in the subtle art of making tea, dusting the top shelf and polishing the inside of the aquarium. He will, of course, be either naked or wearing a pink pinny. I am not sure if the latter will agree with his Latino Lothario sensibilities. Fanny xx

  2. Belladonna is a shining example of how a housemaid should not be. Personally, I'd opt not to replace her and instead engage the services of a handyman. A handyman is, as the name implies, handy. The advantage of having one of these is that you have an excuse to slurp builders tea out of a mug and a reason to keep the larder well stocked with Digestives and Hobnobs, as tea and biscuits are all that is required to keep handymen well nourished.

    1. Hello Ms Scarlet, I will have a think about the handyman. I like the sound of a larder stocked to the rafters with Digestives and Hobnobs, but I am a little concerned about the handyman revealing himself unexpectedly, such as an experience I had a few years ago when a team of landscapers came to sort out the jardinage and all I was builders' crack (in other words, loose-fitting trousers revealing blotchy buttocks). Fanny xx

  3. I have taken the liberty of writing out a postcard for you it's pinned on Morrisons notice board: Live-in Maid wanted for large country estate in Buckinghamshire. Must be willing to work long hours for little/no pay and enjoy 'hot tub' breaks with broad minded friends. Contact Miss Love at fannylove-uk.blogspot.co.uk

    Whilst I was there I wrote one out for myself too: Hauntingly Beautiful Lady of means in the early summer stages of life. Loves country rambles, Lily of the Valley talc, object d'art, M&S and making my own preserves. Would like to meet a gentleman for jigsaw fun and possible anal intrusion.

    Isn't it exciting?

    BTW what is an Exocet 10 smoothie? Someone is selling one for a tenner.

    1. My darling Mitzi,

      If there can be any award for the most funny blog comment, it goes to your wonderful little gem, above. I have spent the whole morning laughing, in fits and spurts; such was the humour you injected into my morning, I did not even need to take my morning dosage of Sennapods or other over-the-counter laxatives. The laughter literally had me running to the thunder-box.

      As for the advert you kindly placed in Morrisons on my behalf, I await with baited breasts for a flood of responses from suitable candidates of the highest quality that only Morrisons could produce. I am literally titillated by your own advert - Lily of the Valley talc, making your own preserves, jigsaw fun and possible anal intrusion. And I always thought you had lived such a sheltered, innocent life.

      As for the Exocet 10 smoothie, I inform you that it is another name for a 10" Black Mamba dildo. Belladonna owned one, she took it everywhere she went, and in the end snapped it in two. I don't think she was ever the same after that. Buy the Exocet 10, it's a good deal for a tenner. In a few years, it will treble in value and you could even appear on the Antiques Roadshow as its proud owner.

      Fanny xx