Sunday, 8 June 2014

Update on Belladonna

A terrible thing has reared its ugly head in my life: my Russian maid, Belladonna Zlatogrivov - formerly a pupil at the School of Domestic Education for Overweight Monkeys in Vladivostok, and violently ejected from my household for the gross act of insubordination for refusing to clean the house's 27 bathrooms with just a toothbrush and a bottle of Ajax - has been performing some sort of deranged sex show on the green in Brill, in the heart of my once-respectable village.  And not only that, but news of its has reached London.   As a consequence, my nerves are like shredded tuna; I've been popping Valium all day like they're Smarties.

A little sparrow on the grapevine told me that Belladonna had set up a new business, presumably to earn money for her 20-a-day vodka habit.  Here are the photos - those that are easily offended should not proceed any further.  You have been warned.  Be prepared for a shock-fest:

This monstrous apparition is Belladonna's very own Blowjob Tent, a 10-foot high teepee, which she has erected on the village green, amidst the growing rubbish tip that she is slowly transforming this once beautiful area into.  She is selling all 18-stone of herself for the princely sum of 50p; obviously, she would go down a treat in some Victorian circus alongside the Bearded Lady and the Elephant Man.

This awful poster has also gone up around the village:

And she's even making in-roads at Piccadilly Circus: a photo of her colossal bulk resting on a chaise-longue about to eat a grape has appeared at the Central London spot.

 I don't know how she's managed it... maybe she has Max Clifford as her agent?   I have to hatch a plan to get rid of her, once and for all!


  1. An erected blowjob tent... makes perfect sense to me. 18p is a bit steep, though.

    1. Hi Blue darling, yes I agree, Belladonna should have been paying them. I hope she took her dentures out before she performed the act.

  2. Don't get me worked up with housemaid angst because no matter how bad you think things are now it just gets worse and worse. I can understand your plight. Have you thought about advertising for a new maid in Country Life magazine? When Carmen was hospitalised a couple of years ago I got one of those temporary 'Sissy maids' from Gaydar to do the beds and the washing up, they're a boon!

    50p for a BJ ! Carmen only charges 25p or whatever small change they happen to have in their pocket, she has a Cadbury Roses tin full of copper.

  3. Sissy maids, oh, I love them: I once hired one called Ronald, he was from the West Midlands and had a beard to rival that of Conchita Wurst (she of Eurovision fame). Ronald looked ravishing dressed as a French maid, doing the dusting and hoovering with a fluffy pink brush. I will certainly place an advert in Horse and Hound magazine for a new maid, I think. Carmen sounds like she'd doing quite well at 25p or whatever small change happens to pass; Belladonna's only passing trade is from the retirement home around the corner, and I suspect most of them are optically-challenged.