Monday, 26 October 2015

The Jehovahs Witnesses call

There are four absolute certainties in life: Death; taxes; the occasional dose of pubic crabs; and a visit from the Jehovahs Witnesses at the most inconvenient moment.  At 8am, as I lay in bed dreaming of my recent love-making with the entire Under-25s Portuguese Rugby Team, the doorbell rang and rudely interrupted my reverie.   "Baaaassssssssiiiiiiilllllllll!"  I shouted.  

When one appoints and remunerates a maid, one at least expects hand-service.

"I'm doing lady-stuff" my maid, Basil Wiggleswade, bawled back, sounding like a Cockney fishwife.  The finality of her tone meant she had no intention of answering the door.

"Lady-stuff?" I bawled back, sounding like a Texan millionairess beauty queen.

"Yes, I'm out on the town tonight, so I'm waxing my lady-purse.  Have you seen the third tube of Nair?  I could be some time" my maid called back, gaily. 

Lady-purse?  THREE tubes of Nair?  

Fuck me... Basil must be as hairy as a baboon down below if she needs not one, not two, but three tubes of Nair!

As I was pondering this addition to my vocabulary - Lady-Purse - I was forced to get up and don my Chinese silk and duck feather dressing-gown, jam my pudgy feet into my Antarctic penguin feather slippers, and tiptoe down five flights of stairs, telling myself to "keep calm" and open up the front door, only to come face-to-face with two elderly male Jehovahs Witnesses in charity-shop black suits, waving a pamphlet entitled the Resurrection of God and slavering at the gills.

Their presence, on my doorstep, put the wind up me, I can tell you.

Fortunately, my father was a keen game-hunter in the African bush, and I still keep a collection of antique loaded rifles in my downstairs lobby, in expectation of such visits from strange, unsolicited men preaching religion.  A bullet in the bum, my father used to say.... and now it's my turn to deal with Basil...

 

10 comments:

  1. Oh dear Fanny...i can't tell you what a relief it is knowing your back!!! I never have a issue with Jehovah Witness, since the day two very, rather handsome ones came to the Casa door. Once I started my best Sharon Stone impression from Basic Instinct, spreading eagle with my dressing gown on, sans underwear, and they saw the family jewels rising. They were very on edge. But once I started loosing their ties and recommended we move this to the boudoir.....boy did they make tracks. I'm not used to guest never returning. Should I be insulted?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. My dearest Mistress Maddie,

      Oh Sharon Stone! What a babe, I do envy that leg-crossing thing she did. You're lucky you got handsome Jehovah Witnesses... the ones that came to my door made Gollum look alluring. No, don't be insulted that they scarpered when you loosened their ties... they're known for their shyness around beautiful ladies. You should have got straight to the point and revealed your Barbara Bush.

      Fanny x

      Delete
  2. I generally start out very politely telling why i don't want them darkening my door ever again, and then I slowly get more rude, and more profane and more in their face ... and now I realize I could save so much more time if I had a shotgun in the umbrella stand.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hello Bob, thanks for your comment and welcome to the blog. Feel free to post anything you like and engage with the other lovely people on here...

      I think your technique has its merits... I usually start out politely enough when unsolicited people come to my door... it just depends what sort of mood I'm in. That morning, I fear I had imbibed far too many triple-strength G&Ts the night before... and I'd been popping Xanax and Valium like Smarties as well.... so perhaps not the smiling face of Fanny Love to strangers, but there you have it.

      Fanny x

      Delete
  3. WB Fanny it's been yonks!

    I have a photograph of Carmen taped to the front door with a caption saying 'I live here' keeps all religious callers at bay. It's such a joy to see them running down the path clutching their mantillas in sheer naked fear and genuflecting themselves.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hello Mitzi, so sorry for the 4-month absence. Portugal got the better of me, and I stayed longer than ever. What did I do? Oh.... just shagging on the beach with hunky Portuguese men. Did I do culture or food tours? Nah.... not for me.. just shagging on the beach I'm afraid this time. Yes, 4 months of it!

      I'm catching up on your blog. My.... you've been a busy girl.....

      Fanny x

      Delete
  4. Huzzah! It's yerself.
    I keep an axe in the hallway that I use for chopping up firewood and an assortment of unwanted God botherers.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. My dearest Ivy, how lovely to hear from you and I apologise profusely for my absence for 4 months. I must take your advice and get an axe (they spell it 'ax' in Americky, God knows why they feel the need to dispense with that final 'e').

      I'm trying to catch up on your wonderful blog....

      Fanny x

      Delete
  5. Replies
    1. My dearest 63mago, thank you for the wonderful Welcome Home comment. It is so good to have friends like you. I'm trying to catch up on your wonderful blog... I've been away for 4 months and I haven't been a very good girl. Too much beach time, I'm afraid and not enough culture and religious studies.

      Fanny x

      Delete