Thursday, 2 August 2012

Which shoes?

I cannot decide which of the following shoes to wear for this weekend's Summer Fete/Film Celebration at my country estate.  

Which do you think?  And why?

Option 1:  Pink Chopin Shoes.  When I was a Playboy Bunnygirl, these were all the rage, I think I once saw a certain international male singer wearing a pair.  I occasionally wear these for long walks across London's Hampstead Heath, usually just before dusk when the setting sun sparkles on the rhinestones.

Option 2:  Spiker Shoes.  Made from African thornbush trees; I often wear these when I'm asked to open museums and libraries, as I feel it helps to create a lasting impression.

Option 3: The Country-Set Shoes: Very stylish brogues, a mere steal at $12,000 per pair.  I wear them when swimming.

Option 4:  Crystal Black Widow Stilettos - these are my all-time favourite.  Have been snapped by the paparazzi strolling along the streets of St Tropez wearing these spiffing high heels, actually made from clear, unbreakable crystal.  They give off a clacking sound on the cobbles like a fishwife's tongue clacking disapprovingly, but are so comfortable to wear.  The crystal case, forming the cap of the shoe, contains one or two live spiders;  there's a little battery-powered device I have in my handbag whilst wearing these and it's only necessary to press it once and a trapdoor in the shoes opens and releases the spiders.  

Option 5: These were a gift from an admirer.  I'm not really into branded footwear, and I understand that this design has become increasingly popular among young people in Wales, since a certain retailer has been selling them on a Buy One, Get One Free offer.  I sharn't be wearing them.

Option 6: African Safari Shoes - often worn when I'm out shopping.  Once I got a man in the street to throw down his coat over a puddle so I could pass without getting wet feet.  Chivalry is indeed alive in England!

Option 7: My second favourite - these canary-yellow and black creations allow me to be stand above the crowds.  As nice as they look, you could also call them 'hop-like-a-frog' shoes, because they're really not comfortable for break-dancing or doing the pogo stick and have been known to cause bunions the size of a golf ball.

Option 8: Chainsaw Shoes - And these plimsolls I was asked to wear when we commence the production of my new film.  I'll tell you more about the film later.  It's a closely guarded secret.

Option 9: Plastic Dominatrix Boots - I once wore these at a funeral.  They are sombre, aren't they?

Option 10: Not forgetting my gorgeous Fish Flip-flops, not so much for grand occasions and high days, than lounging around, I shall probably put them on at some point during the weekend.


  1. You MUST let me borrow the African Safari Shoes! There were only 4 pairs made and the Queen mother was buried in a pair!

    True Love

    x o x o

  2. My dearest Truelove, you're welcome to borrow anything from my collection!

    I hope you will be attending today's Summer Fete.

    Fanny xxx