This Asian beauty is Asifa Lahore, the United Kingdom's first Muslim drag queen. My lunatic maid, Basil, was screwing around with the television remote control yesterday, flicking the channel over from The Wombles to Judge Judy and back to Sun, Sea and Pissed-Up Brits. I thwacked her around the head with a rolled-up newspaper, and that must have dislodged some dust and mothballs from her tiny grey brain, because Basil the maid quietly turned the channel back to BBC1 before sitting heavily down with all the grace of an East End builder onto an antique Windsor Carver chair, crushing the thing to matchsticks.
At that very moment - in stark contrast to Basil's strikingly humdrum resemblance to Thora Hird (minus the tattoos, of course) - the gorgeous Asifa Lahore appeared on the TV screen like a whirling dervish, and all thoughts of sadistically punishing the maid went out the window for a few moments as I was seduced by a world of burqa-clad, Bollywood hanky-panky.
"I'm a glamorous queen in Versace
Make me cook, make me clean
Asian men are so mean
You want me as your wife
And you play on the scene"