Wednesday, 31 December 2014

New Year's Resolutions

An anonymous, handwritten note had been pushed under my door this morning.  It read: "Perhaps, as a New Year's Resolution, you could try being a bit politer to your maid". 
I think not!  A New Year’s resolution is something that goes in one year and out the other.  Wait a minute.. have I got that right?!!? Isn't it ' one ear and out the other'? I'm not sure!  Frankly speaking, New Year's Eve is the only night of the year that one can get away with wearing body glitter without being mistaken for a stripper.

To break the monotony of the final hours of 2014, I went in for clay pigeon shooting today, a thoroughly enjoyable country pursuit in the English shires, second only to dogging, and especially rambunctious good fun after imbibing a half-dozen, triple-strength G&Ts.  But to my great dismay, I was completely out of clay pigeons, the little round devices that get fired upwards; instead, I grabbed a basket of stale bread rolls from the kitchen and loaded these into the clay pigeon launcher, as a substitute, and waited impatiently as the bread rolls were propelled into the sky, before triumphantly blasting them to pieces with my rifle, showering Basil the maid (who was busy, on my instructions, trimming the grand lawn with a tiny pair of nail-scissors) with millions of breadcrumbs. 

I chased Basil into the hedge maze with the rifle, and I believe, the gum-chewing bint is still trying to find her way out, armed only with a pink feather duster.  It may take some time. That shall teach her for the insubordination of her anonymous New Year's request.

With Basil hopelessly lost in the hedge maze, I went indoors to wash, powder my nose, and change into my special new dress, a creation by some New York fashionista whose name I forget.  Do you like it?  It's made from rare, pink-dyed, ostrich feathers from Mozambique.  I'm headed for London tonight with Juan, my Brazilian chauffeur and toyboy to paint the town pink at an exclusive club where all the A-list glitterati are on the guest list (no.. not that pretentious dump, The Ivy, from which I have been barred for life for the indiscretion of headbutting a waitress because she had the audacity to serve warm champagne).

As for New Year's Resolutions, here's my list:

1. Travel more
2. Shop more
3. Lose an ounce in weight 
4. Learn to play the harp
5. If the maid misbehaves, pick her up by her ears
6. Pray for world peace
7. Buy more jewellery
8. Launch my own fragrance
9. Be on the front cover of Tatler and Vogue 
10. May the Lord banish Belladonna as far from me as possible, such as the Moon or Jupiter or Mars.
10. Dear God, my prayer for 2015 is a FAT bank account and a THIN body.  Please don't mix it up like you did this year.

What are yours? 

A Happy and Gin-soaked New Year to all my Readers!  May 2015 be the best year ever!   Pass my glass, dear! x


  1. I love your dress it looks like a lovely pink avian blancmange. Not long to wait now, for the big dongs at midnight and I do love those dongs. Have a lovely new years eve, what's left of it, and all the best for 2015!

    I'll be back sometime tomorrow with some revolutions

  2. Please forgive my poor addled brain for using the word 'revolutions' instead of resolutions, I hope it isn't the onset of senile demerara it is a worry! Apart from that the odd grammar mistakes, I'm practically perfect in every way, even my own shit smells of lavender, roses and ylang ylang I could launch my own fragrance too, Eau de Toilette Publique by Mitzi. Instead of learning the harp how about learning the cello have something big betwixt your legs? Dear Fanny, I've just been checking Carmen's history on the computer and I've noticed she's been looking at recipes for chocolate pie !