Saturday, 6 December 2014

Culinary extravaganza

In preparation for the Womens' Institute Bring N' Buy Winter Sale at the village hall, I've been cooking all day, rushing in and out of the scullery.  As a celebrated food authoress and award-winning cook, I'm always happiest in the kitchen, singing as I work "Nellie the Elephant Packed Her Trunk and Said Goodbye to the Circus..." at the top of my voice, gin bottle in hand.

After hours of toil and the clatter of utensils, I've just made: Christmas Swiss Roll; Fanny's Surprise Pasta Bowl; Reindeer Tomato Soup; Wild Truffle and Quail Egg Pizza; Traditional Winter Fruit Compote, Christmas Toffee Cake and Victoria Beckham Sponge Cake, among others.   Here are my culinary creations.  Aren't they the tastiest-looking creations fit for a king's feast?  All expertly made with love, care and tenderness. I conceived an affection to the ladies of the WI that would see me crowned the hostess with the mostest, a chatter of tongues and suddenly, I'm the most talked about cook extraordinaire for years, a legend in the making.  I can imagine the headlines of the Brill Gazette...  (*holds breathe and waits*)


 Swiss Roll

Wild Truffle and Quail Egg Pizza

Fanny's Surprise Pasta Bowl (in the making).   Glug... my word, that's a lethal whiskey chaser.  Alcohol.. a chef's best friend.

Tomato Soup

Victoria Beckham Sponge Cake (with a vanilla essence Bird's Eye Topping finish)

The recipe did say "bake on a high temperature".
Do you think the Winter Fruits compote is done yet?
The Christmas Toffee Cake didn't turn out quite right.
Would you mind asking the Womens' Institute to stick their head in the oven and lick the contents off the oven floor?  I can't seem to get the cake in one piece.  Shame!  Sure they won't mind! 
 Just a small selection of Fanny's exotic culinary creations

I hope Delia Schmidt, Gordon Rumsay, Hugh Fernleaf-Shittingstool, Dick Stein and James Boliver are reading this.  I followed your recipes exactingly.  This vodka-on-the-rocks is going down a treat...


  1. "The cook was a good cook, as cooks go, and as good cooks go she went"
    Hector Hugh Munro on servants.

    Is the Reindeer tomato soup made using real reindeer or is it one of those 'mock' up things like they used to do during the war when times were austere and food was in short supply? I used to adore watching Whitehead, our cook perform in the kitchen, she was from the war era, which meant that we didn't always get what we asked for at meal times, her homemade orange marmalade was made from mashed swede and carrot peelings. She did make delicious Langue De Chat though.

    1. It was a mock-up thingy. I would never use real reindeer. I think they're lovely animals, and besides, Santa needs them. Your old cook, Whitehead, sounds a dream. I admire creativity .. swede and carrot peelings disguised as orange marmalade. Divine! My old cook went mad and made me a special Christmas milkshake, made from octopus. That after she horrified my guests at a Summer Fête by serving up Century Eggs and then burning the Banquet Hall to the ground. Ah, you can't get the staff these days....

  2. Oh, Soylent Green ! I love it !