"Isn't it time you bought a new hat?" whispered 1950s drag-queen-cum-benefit-fraudster Penelope Hardpotts (pictured above) into my ear, all too loudly, as I was enjoying a Friday night-out in Soho. Some time later, I staggered round the back of Madame Jojo's for a quick tinkle behind a skip, whilst waiting for Juan to pick me up in the Rolls, a virtually impossible feat in 9-inch heels.
As I was about to leave something caught my eye, lying abandoned in the skip. It looked like an old filthy cushion but was in fact.... a hat. What a coincidence. I whipped it out and stuffed it in my handbag. Upon arriving back home, I ordered my maid to put the hat into the washing machine. Tonight, I'm going out to a high society social event at a place in London called The Ritz and I want to look my best. Rather than spend a small fortune at a London milliners, I'm rather pleased with my find from last night. Here I am wearing my new hat. If this is the quality of hat anyone can find abandoned in a skip in a back-alley in Soho, then the drag queens that frequent the district have more money than sense!
Oh Fanny, I love me a good chapeau!!!! Or 50! I do believe I may have the same hat. Just make sure the bird is indeed dead. I thought mine was, and surprise! And I just had my hair color treated. But the post has inspired me. When I go shopping later, I think today will be a " Say something hay day!"
ReplyDeleteMistress Maddie, I have had the same trauma when trying on swan hats in the past. Some of them were still alive and I ended up quite literally spattered with swan poo. Isn't that beastly, especially when one is trying to look one's best, and stepping out in the public eye. The paparazzi love to snap me when I've had a fashion faux pas, or a slight error of judgment (like, for example, the moment I was 'papped' coming out of a toilet cubicle at the M1 truckstop at Leicester with a burley bearded Scottish trucker). x
DeleteDarling Fanny,
ReplyDeleteHat or no hat, you will be the belle of the Ritz ball, of that we are certain. And, you will be the envy of everyone when you slide graciously from the Royce, the gorgeous looking Juan attending to your every need and whim.
But, darling Fanny, we must advise that a hat can only be worn after 11am and before 7 pm. To wear one at any other time would be committing a fatal sin. Nancy Mitford and her 'Noblesse Oblige' devotees would have a field day out of it if you were spotted wearing one outside those prescribed times. However, the Swan creation we would regard as a fascinator.......well, it fascinates us, at any rate.......and there are no fixed rules that we can bring to mind about those.
And, as for what people will throw away in skips......well......here in Budapest the skips around town are positively overflowing with what Hungarians regard as rubbish and we regard as Architectural Antiques. We should go into business together....skip chasing......!!
My darling,
DeleteThank you for your kind comments. I have taken your advice and visited The Ritz... all was not well (see next blog entry). I cried into my swan hat and my deadly-nightshade mascara went everywhere. The said hat is now looking as disheveled and as unappetising as a Fray Bentos pie. Oh, Nancy Mitford I could aspire to! Madame de Pompadour! And the usage of the decidedly upper class "U-language". I would never be caught out referring to the "ladies' powder room" as "the bogs" or worse still, "the loo". That would be so common and insulting to my intelligence. No, I take care with my words and always use words that speak of high social standing.
Right, just popping down the corner shop to buy a packet of fags. x
It has scrubbed up nicely and makes an ideal garment for shoplifting in, I wonder how many tins of salmon one can stuff into that lovely plumage. The next time you go rummaging in skips can you have an extra look around for anything in leopard print for me, size petite?
ReplyDeleteAnything for you, darling. As for shoplifting, I pilfered a bunch of seedless Italian grapes, some Weetabix, and a packet of Birds Eye potato waffles using the plumage of the hat as cover. As for the aubergine I stole, that had to be inserted elsewhere, as it was too large to hide in the hat. x
DeleteFollowing your example, and wanting to aspire to the lifestyle of my betters, I have had a rummage through some local skips. Sadly, this is the best I can come up with...
ReplyDeleteMy swan hat. I tried. I will be wearing it to the Co-op to buy a sandwich for my tea.
Sx
Oh my god, Ms Scarlet... your hat is absolutely gorgeous. I want one! What happened when you entered Co-op wearing it? Fanny x
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