Thursday, 20 December 2012

Early Christmas lunacy

One of my waiting-staff was picked up by her ears, pushed into the dumb-waiter elevator (normally only used for serving food) and then  thrown from the third floor sitting-room window after I discovered this monstrosity:

This was the dining-room in my south annexe, not the main banquet hall, but still an important place where I was planning on hosting a meal for local dignitaries.  

I had left detailed instructions on how to put the tree up, how it was to be decorated.  Imagine my horror to discover, Gretel, one of my waiting staff, fast asleep under the dining table, having drunk two bottles of rum, and the Christmas tree hanging upside down, affixed to the ceiling, like a scene from Alice in Wonderland.  Quite why some members of my staff feel the need to play these ridiculous pranks is beyond me!  She has been dealt with in the most appropriate way, that is to say, ejected from the third floor window.

It was at that point that my personal assistant announced that my guests had arrived at the gatehouse and would be in the building any minute.

I rushed downstairs to check Cook's progress and see how the turkey was cooking (she has stuffed the bird with oysters and laced with creme de menthe), as the door-bell rang.

It's one of Cook's favourite dishes: a whole turkey crown, stuffed with raw, shucked oysters and laced with creme de menthe.  Delicious.

I won't go into too much detail about the dignitaries, only to say that they came with a gift - a Brill village Christmas Advent Calendar 2012.

Bravo! What an attractive gift and a wonderful photographic composition: this high-quality, no-expenses-spared Christmas Advent calendar, celebrating Brill's beautiful and iconic windmill has almost sold out in shops up and down the country.  If you ignore the strange greenish tinge to the photograph and the clapped-out ice-cream van, it is a remarkably beautiful shot.

Just as I was going upstairs to join the assembled party, painfully aware that they would all be talking about the Christmas tree hanging upside down from the ceiling, I opened up one of the little doors on the Advent Calendar, to see what wonderful treat it contained.

It contained a lovely little chocolate in it.  How delicious, I thought, as I bit into it before realising that something didn't taste quite right.  Almost gagging, this is what I spat out in absolute revulsion, the hidden filling:


  1. Chocolate sprouts!
    I like the Christmas tree that way up, easier to put the the star on top.

    1. As soon as I crunched into the uncooked sprout surprise, the thing was spat out at the speed of a bullet; it flew across the room, only to be caught in the hand of one of my servants.

      I had to wash my own mouth out with carbolic soap afterwards!

      Fanny xx