Thursday, 8 March 2012

Is it objet d'art or firewood?

It has been a busy day at Fanny Towers.  Just as I was sitting down to a wonderful gastonomic experience of beetroot soup, hand-dived scallops, followed by Deep Fried Mars Bar Surprise with foie gras (apparently a Scottish delicacy), the gatehouse telephoned me to advise a Special Delivery had arrived.  It is unusual to receive such deliveries at this hour, so I was all the more startled.

There were several large boxes and the accompanying letter bore the name East Lincolnshire Art & Antiques Store, claiming to be sending me a dealer of objet d'art.

When it was all unwrapped, it turned out not to be objet d'art at all, but some furniture, sent from a meddlesome collector who is clearly trying to woo me.  

The above looks like a dragon chair or something from a children's fairytale.  Apparently made in the 1950s and something of an antique, in certain circles.  Not sure what the long teeth-like things are, possibly something to do with Lady Gaga; looks cheap.  I will probably donate this to my local dentist surgery, since it is the type of piece that surely comforts the worried, dentist-phobic patient.

And this seems to be a chair made from meat from a German designer.  Looks like a dime-a-dozen set, knocked out in their hundreds, sold for pennies.  I think I'm sending this one to the South Wiltshire Vegetarian Society.  I noticed they were appealing for bits of office furniture, as they've newly set up offices in Tisbury, and are on a limited budget.  I am sure they'll love it.

The above black-and-white affair is supposed to be an Erotic Animal Print Chair with Marilyn Manson's legs.  Sorry, I mean Marilyn Munroe's legs.  Slight difference.  Not sure where this should go in my house.   Maybe at the bottom of the lake in the grounds.

And as for this, a walnut-wood tart's derrière, polished to a high shine, apparently by a Brazilian designer, it's a little bit reserved for my taste.  I think I'll donate it to the church.  It looks the type of rudimentary stand-alone that would look wonderful in the church vestibule.  They could use it to stack hymn books on and I'm sure that it would be a conversation piece every Sunday morning worship.

A gracious thank you to East Lincolnshire Art & Antiques Store.    Like going to a cheap hairdresser, cheap and nasty furniture will only leave you looking ridiculous. 


  1. It's breathtaking Fanny, it's better than lloyd Loom's wicker rubbish (try saying that out loud after a few scoops!).

  2. I love your sense of humour. It's a great assortment of high class furniture design lol