Oh dear Lord! Cook has gone round the bend again for the sixty-seventh time this year. I discovered she drunk the Gin Cabinet completely dry - all 182 bottles drained!
As for her warped state of mind, her planned menu for tomorrow's Grand Christmas lunch consisted of:
- marshmallow in Minestrone soup;
- followed by a latte with shredded tuna;
- liver and squid casserole; an oyster milkshake;
- flambéed octopus served in a waffle,
and other, quite frankly disgusting culinary perversions.
Worst of all, she had made a Yorkshire Pudding Tower, almost 40-feet tall, containing over 1000 Yorkshire puddings.
I'm going to have to get rid of her. Immediately. I asked her to come up to the fourth floor and take a seat in the ejector seat. I felt a jolt of joy as I pressed the red button and watched the hatch in the ceiling open and shoot Cook at high speed out into the night air, in the general direction of Long Crendon, some 5 miles away.
You might remember that last Christmas, I appeared on live television for my I'd Like to Teach the World to Cook series (click the link, bitches!).
Meanwhile, Belladonna, my maid, is masturbating furiously over the sight of the 40-foot tall Yorkshire Pudding Tower.