Roll up, roll up. Fanny Love has signed up to Twitter. Follow me on https://twitter.com/FannyLoveTV
What is Twitter?, I hear you ask.
According to techno-queen, Fanny Love, Twitter is:
1. A social network allowing anyone exactly 0.547893 seconds of fame
2. A social network allowing anyone to post what they ate for breakfast, the conversation they had with a stranger on the bus, the last bowel movement they had, or any other profoundly irrelevant information.
3. A comment posted on Twitter is called a Tweet. And a Twitter user is called a Twat.
4. Twitter has over 230 million users. Almost three quarters are resident in some form of Secure Psychiatric Unit.
5. If you have an obsession about under-sink plumbing, Viennese piano-tuning, 1970s Uruguyan three-wheeler motor vehicles, or Esquimo Lesbianism, Twitter is the place to post - you're sure to find an audience, no matter how strange your interest.
6. Twitter typos can be disastrous to your career - when gorgeous Scottish beauty Susan Boyle promoted her new music collection Standing Ovation: The Greatest Songs from the Stage, her Twitter hash-tag was accidentally susanalbumparty. It can be read both ways: "Susan Album Party" or "Sus Anal Bum Party". It depends if you have a filthy mind. Naughty SuBo!
7. Twitter has been going since the 1950s. Its logo is a white dove evacuating its bowels against a blue sky, representing the release of pertinent information.
8. Twitter is not suited for the verbose; if you suffer grandiosity or a need to go into excessive detail, Twitter is restricted to 160 characters. You could, of course, get a blog instead. Or just go to a public toilet with a felt tip pen and record your thoughts on the toilet wall.
9. My favourite 'must-read' Tweet was by a 1980s pop star who Tweeted about a rather unpleasant experience he had with an Angel Delight Trifle in the Gents loo at the top of the Taipei 101 Tower. Delightful!
10. Many famous people appear on Twitter, and their philosophical posts are celebrated by the world's media. It made front page headlines when one of the Wombles - I think it was Uncle Bulgaria - posted that he made marmalade out of ear-wig droppings. Gripping.
11. Fanny Love's first Tweet was "Twitter is so exciting, I decided to put my head in the oven".
Fanny, bored, home alone, and with her head in the oven, after after just 2 seconds on Twitter
So if you're not already on Twatter, 2014 is the year to sign up and to regale the world with intimate and riveting descriptions of kitchen-sink life. Toodle-pipsqueak!