Saturday, 21 December 2013

The horrors of online dating

Juan, my live-in Brazilian fuck puppet, is currently vacationing in Outer Mongolia and so I'm home alone and quite bored out of my tiny little brain and completely sex-starved.  In my hour of need, I turned to online dating website,, which promised me there would probably be a Latino stud with a 6-pack and 9 inch cock in my local area.

My little silk knickers were moistening, so I accessed the site and set up my profile with all the necessary requirements I look for in a man: handsome, under 30, ripped body, smooth, possibly S&M tendencies, voracious sexual appetite, etc.

Some 5 minutes later, ping!, an email advised me of a profile that exactly matched my requirements.  Licking my lips hungrily, I logged in.

Here was the first match:

Bert, 92. A retired ballet dancer and part-time scaffolder. From Melksham, Wiltshire. He lists his hobbies as fisting, monster dildoes, and fly-fishing. Looking for love. Not fussed whether it's a man or woman.

Eeeeeeeekkkkkk!  I have just projectile-vomited out of the window, right across the formal lawn, showering the topiary hedge in cornflakes.  This is not what I asked for, and is about as welcome as a dose of herpes.

I grabbed a bottle of gin and didn't even bother mixing it with tonic, and glugged half-a-bottle's-worth to calm my raw nerves.

Ping!  The arrival of a new email, advising of a further match.  This time, I lovingly tweaked my own breast through my eiderdown antique smock.

That is until I almost passed out from a heart attack at the abomination in my Inbox:

Marigold, a 44-year old housewife from Bedford, and escapee from the town's Secure Unit,
making her debut appearance on dating website, LatinoStuds. "I have a bunny girl fetish" she helpfully adds to her profile.

And the final insult to injury came when this little 'gem' of a profile-match ping-ed its way into my email box:

What a winning profile: Alfred, 66, from Barnsley (which, incidentally, is about a million miles from my bucolic corner of England). Enjoys his beer, fags and pork scratching. Hobbies: playing with cucumbers, radishes, aubergines and egg-whisks.

I have never been so horrified in my life - imagine the shock, to be regaled, by electronic means, from a man who systematically abuses cucumbers.  I have concluded that online dating - all online dating - is a cirque du freak, only ideal if you enjoy having sex with cockroachesAnd if you don't speak Froglais, cirque du freak means a 'freak show'!.


  1. When it comes to the horrors of online dating I could write the book! It's been nearly 2 days since my last shag, I'm having bedroom problems at the moment, I hope the nice men from Kaba will hurry up and fix it, I'm chewing the bedroom carpet in frustration.

    The third picture looks like a close-up of a praying mantis. Oh, the power of prayer eh Alfred! Have you tried ? I'm doing Grimsby and surrounding areas at the moment.

    1. The third picture has left me popping Valium like they're Smarties, such was my terror at the sight of it! I've not tried, but it sounds a jolly good lot of fun. Do let me know your encounters around Grimsby. It sounds... grim.

      I've been dogging near Buckingham where there's a delightful, remote picnic site with picnic tables and a walk down by the river. I heard a sound like a rutting deer when I walked there (naked but for a faux fur coat and 9" stilettos). The little glow of fag-butts indicated to me that there were many men standing around in the dark. This at 2am on a December's morning.

      Sadly the police turned up and I had a difficult time explaining what I was doing there, at 2am, naked except for a fur coat and 9" stilettos. I did pass the comment that I was "looking for Wombles" which they believed and sent me on my way with a knowing wink. I went to great lengths to explain that Wombles are nocturnal animals, shy and reclusive, and are a delight to glimpse.

    2. PS I am envious of your Kaba access control! x


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