Saturday, 21 December 2013

The horrors of online dating

Juan, my live-in Brazilian fuck puppet, is currently vacationing in Outer Mongolia and so I'm home alone and quite bored out of my tiny little brain and completely sex-starved.  In my hour of need, I turned to online dating website, LatinoStuds.co.uk, which promised me there would probably be a Latino stud with a 6-pack and 9 inch cock in my local area.

My little silk knickers were moistening, so I accessed the site and set up my profile with all the necessary requirements I look for in a man: handsome, under 30, ripped body, smooth, possibly S&M tendencies, voracious sexual appetite, etc.

Some 5 minutes later, ping!, an email advised me of a profile that exactly matched my requirements.  Licking my lips hungrily, I logged in.

Here was the first match:


Bert, 92. A retired ballet dancer and part-time scaffolder. From Melksham, Wiltshire. He lists his hobbies as fisting, monster dildoes, and fly-fishing. Looking for love. Not fussed whether it's a man or woman.

Eeeeeeeekkkkkk!  I have just projectile-vomited out of the window, right across the formal lawn, showering the topiary hedge in cornflakes.  This is not what I asked for, and is about as welcome as a dose of herpes.

I grabbed a bottle of gin and didn't even bother mixing it with tonic, and glugged half-a-bottle's-worth to calm my raw nerves.

Ping!  The arrival of a new email, advising of a further match.  This time, I lovingly tweaked my own breast through my eiderdown antique smock.

That is until I almost passed out from a heart attack at the abomination in my Inbox:


Marigold, a 44-year old housewife from Bedford, and escapee from the town's Secure Unit,
making her debut appearance on dating website, LatinoStuds. "I have a bunny girl fetish" she helpfully adds to her profile.


And the final insult to injury came when this little 'gem' of a profile-match ping-ed its way into my email box:


What a winning profile: Alfred, 66, from Barnsley (which, incidentally, is about a million miles from my bucolic corner of England). Enjoys his beer, fags and pork scratching. Hobbies: playing with cucumbers, radishes, aubergines and egg-whisks.

I have never been so horrified in my life - imagine the shock, to be regaled, by electronic means, from a man who systematically abuses cucumbers.  I have concluded that online dating - all online dating - is a cirque du freak, only ideal if you enjoy having sex with cockroachesAnd if you don't speak Froglais, cirque du freak means a 'freak show'!.

4 comments:

  1. When it comes to the horrors of online dating I could write the book! It's been nearly 2 days since my last shag, I'm having bedroom problems at the moment, I hope the nice men from Kaba will hurry up and fix it, I'm chewing the bedroom carpet in frustration.

    The third picture looks like a close-up of a praying mantis. Oh, the power of prayer eh Alfred! Have you tried www.cottaging.co.uk ? I'm doing Grimsby and surrounding areas at the moment.

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    1. The third picture has left me popping Valium like they're Smarties, such was my terror at the sight of it! I've not tried www.cottaging.co.uk, but it sounds a jolly good lot of fun. Do let me know your encounters around Grimsby. It sounds... grim.

      I've been dogging near Buckingham where there's a delightful, remote picnic site with picnic tables and a walk down by the river. I heard a sound like a rutting deer when I walked there (naked but for a faux fur coat and 9" stilettos). The little glow of fag-butts indicated to me that there were many men standing around in the dark. This at 2am on a December's morning.

      Sadly the police turned up and I had a difficult time explaining what I was doing there, at 2am, naked except for a fur coat and 9" stilettos. I did pass the comment that I was "looking for Wombles" which they believed and sent me on my way with a knowing wink. I went to great lengths to explain that Wombles are nocturnal animals, shy and reclusive, and are a delight to glimpse.

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    2. PS I am envious of your Kaba access control! x

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