Monday, 23 December 2013

Silence is golden

This is my maid.   Her name is Belladonna Zlatogrivov.  She has a fetish for Wonder Woman-themed garments, mostly lycra that is obscenely revealing of her tree-trunk sized thighs.  She chews liquorice.  She eats brussel sprout sandwiches.  Her favourite hobbies are doing the shot-put and naked oil wrestling.  Her training at the Vladvistok School of Domesticity didn't even get as far as "how to make a cup of tea".  

She is utterly without point.  No matter how many times I've tried to get rid of the woman, she keeps coming back to me.   She is a literal white elephant, costing me a fortune in her fees yet being completely useless and incompetent of even the simplest task.

Last night, after imbibing too much absinthe, I had the most lurid nightmare about Belladonna:

Yes, that's right, in a kaleidoscope of colour and song, Belladonna Zlatogrivov appeared to be walking along the Yellow Brick Road with Dorothy and others towards the Emerald City.  It was most disturbing.   I feel quite nauseous, woke in a terrible start, and have just consumed a whole packet of Xanax and Prozac.

This morning, as if by some queer design, Belladonna came into the sitting room with my breakfast which she had "murdered": some rock-hard boiled eggs; a greasy flute of champagne; some smoked-salmon garnished with a sprig of lavender.   Yes, that's right smoked salmon and lavender go together like lesbians and kittens.   Anyway, at that point, she accidentally (on purpose) tripped on the rug and threw the whole breakfast tray into my lap.

Outraged at her insubordination, it dawned on me that there was one way - and one way only - of discipling this unruly waif.

That's right: silence is golden... duct tape is silver.  And Fanny is very nifty with a pair of scissors.  Here's the result:

All trussed up with no-where to go: Belladonna hasn't let out a squeak.  An unnatural silence has descended on the house.


  1. Invest in one of these nifty devices, perfect for showing unruly servants who's boss. My maid of all work Carmen received a short sharp blast from one earlier this year when she forgot to cancel the newspapers when I went away on holiday.

    1. Hi Mitzi, I'm afraid if I bought a cattle prod to discipline Belladonna, she would shove the thing up her generous backside and shock herself from here to eternity. She really is rather, er... disturbed. Would you be interested in doing a Maid Swap: we would happily have Carmen, your maid of all work, here and you could have Belladonna? Maybe you could tame her ways.

  2. I think we should organize a maid/houseboy swap for all our readers.

    1. Oh yes, please, Miss MJ. You would take Belladonna?!???!!!! Oh please, YES...YES...YES **shrieks in orgasm**. You have just made my whole year with those words. Please say you will take her! I don't care what you give me in return, anything is better than Belladonna! You really have made my hole weak. Oops - slight typo - you really have made my whole week.