How to get rid of midges and flies

Midges and flies - known to the locals as 'cleggs' - have caused great annoyance during my holiday in Scotland.  Because of the large expanses of water, they're everywhere.  I even found a fly drowning in my soup one evening, at which point I panicked and promptly picked up the full bowl of beef consommé and hurled the lot against the restaurant wall.  

No, it's not a bowl of urine. 

 
At one point later that same evening, I was being attacked by swarms of midges as I took the evening air.   I managed to acquire some heavy-duty insect repellent from the local shop, curiously called Brut, but it simply didn't work when I sprayed it - the horse-flies, midges, even locusts just kept attacking me.

this heavy-duty bug repellent simply didn't work!

In desperation, here are some pictures of how I dealt with the problem.

 

 Fanny has always been a fan of the after-dinner cigar; she once had sex in a humidor

 

Any aerosol will do.

 

It's probably best not to wear a voluminous evening gown when carrying out this procedure as the direction of the wind could change and blow the flame back against you.

The cleggs were dropping like flies after that.