Do-it-yourself Botox

I'm sucking ice-cubes, non-stop.    I've just had Do-it-Yourself Botox to my lips.   J'adore Botox!   But today, I simply couldn't be bothered to visit the beauty salon for a couple of injections, so instead, I did it myself in the comfort of my own home.  

Here's how:  as you know, Fanny keeps bees at her country estate.  So I went outside to one of the beehives and plunged an empty tea-pot into the beehive and filled it with worker bees.  I then went back indoors and deliberately stung myself about a dozen times on the lips.  Of course, I had to knock back a few triple-strength paracetamols mixed with a few triple-strength gin n' tonics to soothe the pain, but I'm really over-the-moon with the result.  Don't my Marilyn Monroe lips look wonderful? And to think - I saved £500 by doing it myself! I'll dispense another beauty-saving tip soon x
 

 Now receiving rave reviews on the Money Saving Expert website: Fanny's Do-It-Yourself classic 'bee sting' lips are better and cheaper than Botox.   Instructions: If you live in a city, go for a drive into the country [somewhere nice like Buckinghamshire, not somewhere chavvy like Essex] and find yourself an old country hice, the sort of place that looks posh; break in to the grounds and find the beehives.  You can annoy the bees by kicking the hive and then opening the lid and plunge your face fully into the beehive and count to 90.  Result: beautiful, kissable, all-natural Marilyn Monroe lips that only cost the price of half a tank of petrol!

Yeti Snow Beast spotted in North Bucks

TV News crews from all over the world have descended in a frenzy on the tiny village of Brill and this most rural part of North Bucks has become a hive of activity.

The reason?  These mysterious, gigantic footprints were found in the heavy snow, followed by numerous reports of villagers being molested by a 7ft, hairy, black, inconsolable monster.

The North Bucks Chronicle have also done a front-page story on it.  Have a read, it's the most astonishing bit of journalism I've ever read, quite simply the bees' knees. 

You may recall the incident that occurred on Sunday chez moi with Gladys Grove.  Accidentally on purpose, Gladys was sent blindly - and as drunk as a skunk - into my 2nd floor airing cupboard where I'm currently keeping several bee-hives, mistaking the room for the lavatory.  You might think it a very odd occurrence to be keeping bees in a 2nd floor airing cupboard, but my only defence is that it's very cold outside and the bees like it in there.

Gladys, a confirmed apiphobic, was last seen making a bee-line across fields in the general direction of the town of Haddenham, some 7 miles distant, covered from head to toe in bees.  She must have lost her sling-backs in a ditch somewhere, which explains her footprints in the snow (first picture, above).

I've got to commend the work of the artist who drew the impression of this Yeti Snow Beast, envisaged from the many sightings around the county.   It does seem like Gladys Grove has once again made the headlines, for all the wrong reasons.  Maybe it's time to come out of retirement, Gladys?  The world clearly craves you.

I must dash now, as I've got to go and get my photo done as it's time to re-new my passport, in readiness for my embarkation on my 180-days Around the World tour.  

Toodle-pip!

Worried about the bees

You probably weren't aware that I'm an avid bee-keeper.  Since the summer, I've kept several hives on my Estate.  I so love the beeswax, honey and Royal Jelly that can be harvested, and I find the constant, gentle drone coming from the hives a calming influence.

Bee-keeping, of course, is an art and I recently had this bespoke hive made.  What do you think of it?

I've managed to produce a dozen jars of honey over the summer months; it's a bit of a messy job though.   As I don't like to get stung, I usually insert the vacuum cleaner pipe into the hive through a hole, switch on the machine and suck all the bees safely into the vacuum cleaner bag, before giving their hive a good clean and extracting the honey.   When I'm finished, I switch the vacuum cleaner on reverse mode, and the bees are shot at high speed back into their freshly-spruced hive.

 A vaccum cleaner Hoover bag fat with bees

 
I've been a bit worried about the bees during this cold weather.  I took this old gramophone out and placed it next to their hive, and played them some Beethoven's Ninth Symphony. 

 

In the end, I was just too worried about them, so I've placed their hive in the airing cupboard, on the second floor of the house, where they'll be nice and warm.

That reminds me: a few years ago, a French design-house sent me this bee-inspired cotton dress.  I might wear it soon.