Unveiled: new artwork by Fanny Love

Critically-acclaimed transvestite artist, Fanny Love, has unveiled her stunning new masterpiece - entitled "Lesbo-hippo-pot-o-saurus" - at the Zate Modern in Scunthorpe.

"Even though it's a third-world part of the country, I'm delighted my new picture is being hung for all to see at the Zate Modern in Scunthorpe" explains Fanny, "For me, my latest artwork relates to the difficult subject of body image and particularly, the need for compulsory liposuction, something Fanny has been campaigning for.   

I tried to create a sensitive piece of work, something which was enormously difficult when dealing with potentially upsetting subject matter, such as when one has grown so morbidly obese one is the same size as a small house".

Where did Fanny get her inspiration for such an unusual piece of work?

"Since arriving on these grit-grey shores, I've studied people, in exquisite detail, and probed the dark underbelly to produce artwork that is original.  My inspiration truly came after a 90-second visit to the town of Scunthorpe, a town whose streets groaned under the impossible weight of resident fatties.

  Apparently the locals refer to the town as "scunny".  

Personally, I would just drop the "s" of "Scunthorpe" and call the place "Cunt-thorpe"

Driving into the town, the place looked so horrendous that I only spent 90 seconds there, during which I just had enough time to wind down the window, throw a chicken drumstick at a very fat woman and demand to know the direction back to the motorway.

Several auction-houses of London have taken a keen interest in my work.  Apparently an Arab sheik wants to buy the whole collection - well, those A-rabs do like their women big!". 

Lesbo-hippo-pot-o-saurus is on display at the Zate Modern in Scunthorpe until 1 October 2013.

Isn't Art a joy?

As you know, Fanny is stimulated - titilated even - by high art.  My artistic sensibilities range from Picasso to the Tate Modern, from Gaudi to the lewd messages written on toilet walls (sometimes I even take a pen in with me when visiting those dripping, subterranean lavatories).  I've been an avid collector of objet d'art for many years, a compulsive viewer of the TV show Antiques Roadshow (I love all those brown country jackets and waxed moustaches of the presenters), and a loyal reader of Country Life's dogging and cottaging supplement, particularly their recent analysis of sado-masochistic tendencies during Van Gogh's rose period. 

What Fanny doesn't know about fine art, isn't worth knowing!  And I produce my own bespoke and highly sought after art, too!

Imagine my delight when I was asked to prepare a showcase of Art for the Brill and Highchurch May Bank Holiday Village Celebration.  My nipples were instantly erect! 

I've generously donated the following piece of art, entitled "Two Villagers Meet in The Grocers, A Typical Scene from the Village of Brill".  It is one of my own pieces of work, finished only recently, and I expect it to be a celebrated artwork.  I can already hear the heart-felt accolades from village dignitaries when it is unveiled before the assembled flock.  Rather than auction it at Sotheby's for millions, I thought the village deserved it better.  Pass the Pimm's, dear.

Two Villagers Meet in the Grocers - An Everyday Scene from the Village of Brill - Fine Art by Fanny Love

Is it objet d'art or firewood?

It has been a busy day at Fanny Towers.  Just as I was sitting down to a wonderful gastonomic experience of beetroot soup, hand-dived scallops, followed by Deep Fried Mars Bar Surprise with foie gras (apparently a Scottish delicacy), the gatehouse telephoned me to advise a Special Delivery had arrived.  It is unusual to receive such deliveries at this hour, so I was all the more startled.

There were several large boxes and the accompanying letter bore the name East Lincolnshire Art & Antiques Store, claiming to be sending me a dealer of objet d'art.

When it was all unwrapped, it turned out not to be objet d'art at all, but some furniture, sent from a meddlesome collector who is clearly trying to woo me.  

The above looks like a dragon chair or something from a children's fairytale.  Apparently made in the 1950s and something of an antique, in certain circles.  Not sure what the long teeth-like things are, possibly something to do with Lady Gaga; looks cheap.  I will probably donate this to my local dentist surgery, since it is the type of piece that surely comforts the worried, dentist-phobic patient.

And this seems to be a chair made from meat from a German designer.  Looks like a dime-a-dozen set, knocked out in their hundreds, sold for pennies.  I think I'm sending this one to the South Wiltshire Vegetarian Society.  I noticed they were appealing for bits of office furniture, as they've newly set up offices in Tisbury, and are on a limited budget.  I am sure they'll love it.

The above black-and-white affair is supposed to be an Erotic Animal Print Chair with Marilyn Manson's legs.  Sorry, I mean Marilyn Munroe's legs.  Slight difference.  Not sure where this should go in my house.   Maybe at the bottom of the lake in the grounds.

And as for this, a walnut-wood tart's derrière, polished to a high shine, apparently by a Brazilian designer, it's a little bit reserved for my taste.  I think I'll donate it to the church.  It looks the type of rudimentary stand-alone that would look wonderful in the church vestibule.  They could use it to stack hymn books on and I'm sure that it would be a conversation piece every Sunday morning worship.

A gracious thank you to East Lincolnshire Art & Antiques Store.    Like going to a cheap hairdresser, cheap and nasty furniture will only leave you looking ridiculous.