Weird and wonderful Christmas Advent Calendars

I confess I've neglected to check my fan mail since September. "Lots of fans have sent in Christmas Advent Calendars.. and plenty of musical cards too!" muttered my incoming postal clerk, Miss Beryl Favish, this morning as I entered the Sorting Room.

Like a child in a sweet shop, I adore Christmas Advent Calendars, ever since Blue Peter told you how to make your own with only sticky-back plastic (no glue to get high on in those days), Sellotape, bits of Ryvita and old margarine tubs.
 
Nothing more enticing than a different surprise treat behind a different cardboard door, every day in the run-up to Christmas Day. Simply titillating! As it's only 4 days until Christmas, I get to open the previously-missed 22 doors of each Advent Calendar and scoff 22 chocolates all in one sitting!

It was certainly eye-opening to delve into my post-bag. Here is a collection of weird, wonderful, and often horrifying Christmas advent calendars that have arrived here at Raffles this year as gifts, proving, beyond all doubt, that there really is no accounting for good taste:

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A good start: I shall enjoy eating the chocolates from this calendar. Which launderette is this? I wish I knew! Thank you, thank you! x I love this calendar! x

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Who in their right mind sends a Jim'll Fix It 2012 Christmas Advent Calendar? I dread to think what's inside. It's one of those musical Advent Calendars too, so it's playing the theme tune to Jim'll Fix It, something that's brought a rash out on my chest. I  had a horrifying panic attack at finding this disgusting object in the post-bag. I've dowsed it in petrol and chucked the whole thing straight on the fire!

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And what the Hell do you call this? A Christmas Advent Calendar showing two women engaging in a game of lesbian nipple-tweaking. Entitled 'Make Love Not War', it's been sent from the North Amersham Indoor Bowls Group. Really, that's what you get up to? You should be ashamed of yourself for bringing the game of bowls into disrepute!

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Oh yes, I simply ADORE this Advent Calendar.   Pictured here is my arch-enemy, Lady Vagina, not wearing make-up. In fact, she's on a Dress-Down Friday, pushing her bicycle through the streets of Soho. No, don't believe the spin pumped out by her literary agent, this is the REAL Lady Vagina. No glamour; no diamonds; just the way she was born (.. in the gutter). It's made my Christmas to receive this wonderful advent calendar. And in the mean-spirited way of Lady Vagina, all the little compartments contained absolutely nothing. This will take pride of place on my bedroom wall. Thank you to the beautiful fan who sent this in, I will marry you tomorrow and leave my entire estate to you in my Will.

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I hope this buffed, bronzed Santa Claus comes down my chimney! Loved the miniature set of handcuffs in window 1, and the chocolate fondant penis in window 17.

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Who ate all the Fray Bentos pies?  By the looks of it, this is a full-fat Christmas advent calendar.  I do hope that this Satan Claus - yes, it's not a typo, I did write SATAN Claus - does not cum anywhere near my chimney. In fact, the staff have placed a huge plastic condom over the chimney to prevent any accidental visits from this beer-swilling walrus.

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And here are some Christmas cards that I've received, most which didn't even see the light of day as they were thrown on the roaring log fire no sooner had they been removed from their envelopes:

What a disgusting invitation.

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Drag queen Mona Breezeblock sent me this.  I quite like it.  Thank you, Mona.

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Happy Christmas from Swansea, signed by "Geraint" - I cannot remember ever meeting a Geraint.  Clearly, "Geraint" works for Swansea's tourist board, as this wonderful, alternative Christmas card depicts a typical night out in the Welsh city.  Such a sophisticated city.  I cannot wait to return.

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Honesty really is the best policy!

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Thank you, Mrs Butterfield of Oldham, Lancashire, for this defecating reindeer Christmas card.

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Thank you for this card, Jeremy Lee, DSS claimant/wanabee pop singer, from Corby.

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And what of the Christmas Cards and Advent Calendars that Fanny sends out to her friends, fans and enemies?  

To all my beloved sisters in this world, I am sending this card:

and the inside the card:

 


To my enemies (Lady Vagina, my last estate agent, etc etc), I have not sent a Christmas card but instead I have posted an anonymous, home-made Christmas advent calendar with this bucolic scene of a snowy country cottage on the front.

Each of the 25 compartments, marking a day in the run-up to Christmas, contains a premium chocolate fondant hand-sculpted by Fanny's fair and delicate hands, using only the finest chocolate that money can buy:

Dress made from Peacock Feathers and trip to Wales

This wonderful dress - a rare garment, made in the early 1900s entirely from peacock feathers - takes pride of place in my wardrobe, whether it be worn for shopping trips to Primark or Asda in Swindon, or more socially-elevated occasions such as opening a new branch of Liberty's in Chippenham.  I have been photographed in it on many occasions.   I shall probably wear it when I am chauffeured down to St David's, although I am talking to my stylist. 

My stylist is sending me a Hermes scarf, in peacock green, which I am awaiting with bated breasts.

I have since discovered that St David's is in Wales, which is a country whose shape on a geographical map looks like a pig's nose:

Do you see what I mean?  If your eye runs down from Anglesey, down the Ceredigion coast to Tenby and onwards to the Gower, the whole shape is unmistakably like a pig's nose.  (At least, I'm not expected to visit the pig's arse, which by my approximation of the spatial geography of the British Isles would be Gravesend, with 70% of its populace living below the poverty line, making it a ruthlessly depraved sink-hole town that, by my opinion, should have been bombed in the 1980s).

Consequently, I am alarmed by the prospect of this trip.  I have now received a full programme and it appears that an "Elizabethan Lesbian Sung Eucharist" is part of the day. 

A "Sung Eucharist" is a more formal service, not limited to any one denomination; essentially, every prayer and every congregational response is sung.  But lesbians?  Welsh lesbians?  Elizabethan Welsh lesbians?  Lesbians bearing gifts, such as lesbian jam, with lesbian poetry readings?

Apparently, in certain quarters, a practice known as "labia lashing" is also remarkably popular, although at the current time of writing, I am unsure as to what this actually is.  If any reader would care to avail me with the knowledge as to what this is, I would be happy to post a full description of it on here.  I suspect it is something to do with philately.

I have been swayed by the promise of luxury accommodation, paid for in full by the organiser, so I shall have to put aside my concerns about Welsh congregational lesbianism, and their filthy Elizabethan practices.