Arson aboard the 23.52 service to London

Down in the kitchens, I was just about to stuff a turkey with a Terry's Chocolate Orange when the news came on the television.   Normally I don't watch TV whilst cooking, but it does make a nice background noise.   I froze in horror at the images being shown on screen ... all on live television, screened to millions across the nation!    (*Turn your volume up*)

Just watch this news report: 
 

Who'd have thought it?  Belladonna, the fire-starter!  

I am outraged that the BBC News mistakenly put a photograph of an elderly woman wearing a Burqa to represent me.  My publicist would have sent them one of my glamour-modelling shots, but no they put up a picture of someone who is not even me.  No doubt done on purpose! They shall be hearing from my lawyer!

Belladonna Bitchhole has brought my household into unforgivable and serious disrepute.  I really must get rid of her now.   Apparently, she's been released on police bail.  I shall have to booby-trap the drive so she can't even get near the house...

When the cat's away...

Imagine my outright horror to return from a wonderfully relaxing holiday in Cape Town to find a delivery of Ikea furniture had been made.  More precisely, a disgusting, mint-green two-seater sofa.

Apparently, it was a present from a Great Aunt.

I can tell you I was consumed by murderous rage to find this disgusting item of Ikea furniture in my banquet hall.  It is the sort of furniture one finds in council-run seaside nursing homes.  I didn't ask for it.  It is an unwanted gift, a crude object, one of loathsome distaste.

Needless to say, it did not stay in the above condition for very long.