Such a warm heart: this heartfelt Post-It note was left on the
bathroom scales by someone in my household after my recent shock discovery.
bathroom scales by someone in my household after my recent shock discovery.
After two rambunctious weeks of Christmas over-indulgence and over-imbibance, I jumped on the bathroom scales to find that I'd put on a hell of a lot of weight. Much to my horror, an ounce in weight! One ounce!
It must have been the slice of Ryvita smothered with raw oysters that did it. Or was it the extra chipolata I stole from the fridge at 3am?
One of Fanny's favourite snacks: Ryvita with raw oysters.
But was it this deadly snack that caused me to gain so much weight?
That's the fundamental flaw in Christmas isn't it... one over-indulges and ends up putting on so much weight, it's necessary to be carted around in a wheel-barrow for the months of January and February.
You will know that I'm soon to depart on my Grand 180-Days Around The World vacation, so it's imperative I have a bikini body to show off to all the paparazzi.
Rather than go to a bikini boot-camp in this treacherous weather, I placed an advert in the post office window in Brill:
The door-bell has been ringing non-stop since the advert went up. I've interviewed about ten different applicants: one was a 69-year old farmer with no experience whatsoever; another was a psychiatric patient on the run who kept asking when his UFO would be landing to take him to Uranus. In the end, after much interviewing, I've decided to appoint a 23-year old fitness coach called Josh. He's from Buckingham. Here is his picture:
A sight for sore eyes and bruised thighs: Josh, my personal trainer, all oiled up with Sainsbury's Italian Olive Oil during my recent 6-hour interview with him.
I've taken up ballet and roller-skating instead of supping cocktails. I'm practicing ballet manoeuvres and rollerskating around the banquet hall completely stark naked. The original 1930s parquet flooring is ideal for skating on. Here's a pic:
I've just heard Breathe by Ryan Star whilst reaching speeds of over 25 miles per hour on my Santa Barbara V290 skates. I think I wrote about Ryan Star before: he's one of my favourite male vocalists ever, a true New Yorker and a hunk too. No-one has heard of him here in Europe. If you're in England, Ryan, call me!
Have a listen to one of his best songs:
You’re lucky Fanny, I had 128 ounces to loose. Can you imagine that? I’ve already lost 80 ounces just 48 more to go. I rang for a doctors appointment just after Christmas, the mardy cow receptionist answered, the one with the ginger afro who resembles Charlie Chuck. I told her I want to make an appointment to see Doctor…
ReplyDeleteI’d only forgotten his name.
I knew it had something to do with fruit, erm Dr Pippin? erm Dr Crumble? erm Dr Greengage? She asked for my name, the old bitch started to tap away on the computer then she told me it’s Dr Raeburn. What’s the use of having a private doctor when he refuses point blank to prescribe his patients amphetamines? I’ve got a good mind to go NHS! His advise was to exercise for 30 minutes a day enough to work up a sweat! SWEAT! Horses sweat, men perspire and ladies glisten. So I bought myself an exercise bike and glisten for 30 minutes a day. I plug myself into the ipod and away I go. One Night In Bangkok by Murray Head is a good one to glisten to as is Pulling Rabbits Out Of A Hat by Sparks and I like to cool down with Je t'aimais, je t'aime et je t'aimerai by Francis cabrel .
Hey Mitzi, how are you? So sorry to hear about your 128 ounces and the mardy-cow receptionist. Doctors' receptionists, they're a breed of their own and they only get on their high horse because they're so unlovely to look at with their charity-shop beige cardigans and horn-rimmed spectacles and the terrible stench of Vicks Vapour Rub that fills the surgery. I simply don't do NHS anymore...
Delete....I like what you say - horses sweat, men perspire and ladies glisten. I tend to melt, like ice cream in the sun.
And oh yes, I love Pulling Rabbits Out of a Hat by Sparks and One Night in Bangkok.
Sorry to read on your blog about the dog's lipstick and how traumatic it must have been!
Fanny xxx
Sparks - Pulling rabbits out of a hat (orchestral version)
ReplyDeleteBrilliant - I'll give it a whirl when I get on my rollerskates, naked, tomorrow! x
DeleteHi Fanny
ReplyDeleteI'm listening to Itsy Bitsy Teenie Weenie Yellow Polka Dot Bikini by Timmy Mallett.... pure bubblegum pop, and Timmy Mallett is sssssoooooooo hot!
Pussy Godiva x
Was he the funny man with the rubber hammer? F x
DeleteYes, you're right, Ryan Star has a great voice and is very hot-looking!
ReplyDeleteDefenitely listening to Madonna Like a virgin. not very appropriate given the cottage slut i am... I love cottaging
ReplyDeleteI do too, they use to call me Mother Mitzi our lady of the cottage.
DeleteI much prefer Frogging over Cottaging and Cruising. Much nicer! I usually go Late Night Frogging on Hampstead Heath. And sometimes I go looking for Wombles late at night on Hampstead Heath too! Fx
DeleteI lurve Kinky Boots by Honor Blackman and Patrick Macnee. See:
ReplyDeletehttp://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vlRnCUnbFqE
My kinky boots are red leather and go right up to my stocking-tops. I wear them to the office.
(I'm a man)
You're a man? And you're wearing red leather kinky boots up to your stocking-tops? Have you been watching Gok Wan's Style Tips for Men again?
DeleteFx
I listen to Brahms, Shostakovich, Beethoven and Marilyn Manson.
ReplyDeleteFanny, I read elsewhere that you enjoy listening to Beethoven's Ninth Symphony. Did you know that the main character, Alex, in A Clockwork Orange used to listen to that piece of music just before a night of the old ultra-violence with his fellow droogs?
I play Eminem and 50 Cent to my grandmother. She's in a nursing home and finds it relaxing.
ReplyDeleteAnd your name is "Inflamed Proboscis"?
DeleteSounds painful. No wonder you listen to that shit.
Joan Jett and the Blackhearts I love Rock n Roll
ReplyDeleteMassive Attack, Portishead, Radiohead....
ReplyDeleteI'm listening to Alanis Morissette, Tori Amos, Ryan Star, Placebo, Wisin y Yandel, The Lumineers, Radiohead, Night Beds, Linkin Park, James Blunt, Professor Green.
ReplyDeleteLove your blog Fanny, keep going!
Aron x
I admire this article for the well-researched content and excellent wording. I got so involved in this material that I couldn’t stop reading. I am impressed with your work and skill. Thank you so much. Banquets in Wazirpur
ReplyDelete