The day of the fox

Fanny was enjoying quail egg soup this afternoon in the drawing room when there was a deafening, almighty crash.  The west window completely shattered inwards and a gingery-red flash of some animal leapt into the room.  Before I could scream in horror, in hot pursuit of the animal were Brenda, my Doberman Pinscher, and Lady Bossity, a boisterous, mad Springer Spaniel bitch from across the village.

For my own safety, I jumped on top of the table and from up there caught sight of a 5-ft long fox jumping over the silver service and just missing my Ormolu clock.

Both dogs had gone mad: the fox wasted no time in mounting the Louis Quatorze dresser, knocking over and smashing into a thousand pieces a Ming vase, before leaping onto the piano, leaving deep scratches.

Ten seconds later, after a blinding flash of red fur, followed by Brenda's slavering lips and Lady Bossity's high-pitched growl, there was another almighty crash as all three animals jumped straight through the east window and disappeared into the grounds.

It was sometime later that I 'came round' (I usually revive myself not with smelling salts, but a good snort from a bottle of Poppers) to find Lady Bossity, the mad Springer Spaniel, lording it up on my once pure-white carpet (it originally cost over £55,000).   What had become of the fox or Brenda the Doberman, I did not know. 

However, the Spaniel was covered from head to tail in fox shit (I recall one of my grounds-men telling me that all dogs love to roll around in the stuff, as they think it a very expensive and pleasurable perfume) and my beautiful carpet was now more  a shade of chocolate surprise than truffle-white.

Tip-toeing in horror towards the door, I was on the cusp of escaping, but for the harrowing creak of a floorboard.  At that moment, the filthy Spaniel startled from her reverie, saw me and made a running jump into my arms.

Unveiled: new artwork by Fanny Love

Critically-acclaimed transvestite artist, Fanny Love, has unveiled her stunning new masterpiece - entitled "Lesbo-hippo-pot-o-saurus" - at the Zate Modern in Scunthorpe.

"Even though it's a third-world part of the country, I'm delighted my new picture is being hung for all to see at the Zate Modern in Scunthorpe" explains Fanny, "For me, my latest artwork relates to the difficult subject of body image and particularly, the need for compulsory liposuction, something Fanny has been campaigning for.   

I tried to create a sensitive piece of work, something which was enormously difficult when dealing with potentially upsetting subject matter, such as when one has grown so morbidly obese one is the same size as a small house".

Where did Fanny get her inspiration for such an unusual piece of work?

"Since arriving on these grit-grey shores, I've studied people, in exquisite detail, and probed the dark underbelly to produce artwork that is original.  My inspiration truly came after a 90-second visit to the town of Scunthorpe, a town whose streets groaned under the impossible weight of resident fatties.

  Apparently the locals refer to the town as "scunny".  

Personally, I would just drop the "s" of "Scunthorpe" and call the place "Cunt-thorpe"

Driving into the town, the place looked so horrendous that I only spent 90 seconds there, during which I just had enough time to wind down the window, throw a chicken drumstick at a very fat woman and demand to know the direction back to the motorway.

Several auction-houses of London have taken a keen interest in my work.  Apparently an Arab sheik wants to buy the whole collection - well, those A-rabs do like their women big!". 

Lesbo-hippo-pot-o-saurus is on display at the Zate Modern in Scunthorpe until 1 October 2013.