Roll up, roll up. Fanny Love has signed up to Twitter. Follow me on https://twitter.com/FannyLoveTV
What is Twitter?, I hear you ask.
According to techno-queen, Fanny Love, Twitter is:
1. A social network allowing anyone exactly 0.547893 seconds of fame
2. A social network allowing anyone to post what they ate for breakfast, the conversation they had with a stranger on the bus, the last bowel movement they had, or any other profoundly irrelevant information.
3. A comment posted on Twitter is called a Tweet. And a Twitter user is called a Twat.
4. Twitter has over 230 million users. Almost three quarters are resident in some form of Secure Psychiatric Unit.
5. If you have an obsession about under-sink plumbing, Viennese piano-tuning, 1970s Uruguyan three-wheeler motor vehicles, or Esquimo Lesbianism, Twitter is the place to post - you're sure to find an audience, no matter how strange your interest.
6. Twitter typos can be disastrous to your career - when gorgeous Scottish beauty Susan Boyle promoted her new music collection Standing Ovation: The Greatest Songs from the Stage, her Twitter hash-tag was accidentally susanalbumparty. It can be read both ways: "Susan Album Party" or "Sus Anal Bum Party". It depends if you have a filthy mind. Naughty SuBo!
7. Twitter has been going since the 1950s. Its logo is a white dove evacuating its bowels against a blue sky, representing the release of pertinent information.
8. Twitter is not suited for the verbose; if you suffer grandiosity or a need to go into excessive detail, Twitter is restricted to 160 characters. You could, of course, get a blog instead. Or just go to a public toilet with a felt tip pen and record your thoughts on the toilet wall.
9. My favourite 'must-read' Tweet was by a 1980s pop star who Tweeted about a rather unpleasant experience he had with an Angel Delight Trifle in the Gents loo at the top of the Taipei 101 Tower. Delightful!
10. Many famous people appear on Twitter, and their philosophical posts are celebrated by the world's media. It made front page headlines when one of the Wombles - I think it was Uncle Bulgaria - posted that he made marmalade out of ear-wig droppings. Gripping.
11. Fanny Love's first Tweet was "Twitter is so exciting, I decided to put my head in the oven".
Fanny, bored, home alone, and with her head in the oven, after after just 2 seconds on Twitter
So if you're not already on Twatter, 2014 is the year to sign up and to regale the world with intimate and riveting descriptions of kitchen-sink life. Toodle-pipsqueak!
Mitzi's doing a rather complicated jigsaw puzzle at the moment.
ReplyDeleteI'll be back later with more gripping tweets.
ReplyDeleteFanny is just getting up from her seat.
DeleteFanny is just sitting down again.
Fanny has just crossed her legs.
Fanny is opening a bottle of Poppers.
Fanny has just uncrossed her legs.
Fanny is taking a big sniff of the Poppers.
Juan, clad in a tiny Tarzan-style thong, has just entered the room.
Fanny has gone for a little lie-down.. with Juan.
Belladonna is upstairs, slamming cupboard doors, in a jealous rage.
"What a blinding fuck" mutters Fanny, mostly to herself, some moments later.
Fanny goes a fag on the West Wing balcony.
Fanny wonders what to eat for dinner.
Fanny sits down.
Fanny gets up.
Fanny tosses a log on the fire.
Mitzi has just belched and can taste pernod and blackcurrant.
DeleteMitzi turns telly over to BBC2
DeleteBitterly disappointed not to see Jools Holland, instead a fat comedian.
DeleteJool's Hootenanny has just come on. But will go to bed if the guests are crap.
DeleteMistress MJ is contemplating what to have for lunch.
ReplyDeleteOr WHO to have for lunch.
*summons houseboys*
Summon those bitches from oubliette and abuse them with a cat o' nine tails!
DeleteI've just sent Carmen to fetch me a yoghurt from the fridge, I do hope she remembers to drain off the yoghurt's pre cum, otherwise, I just can't eat it.
ReplyDeleteWhat will she bring, vanilla, strawberry or raspberry?
ReplyDeleteOyster and vanilla yoghurt tastes divine!
DeleteShe's brought a de-spunked raspberry.
ReplyDeleteI must add that you're very lucky with your maid of all work, Carmen. She sounds Heaven-sent compared with my maid of no-work, Belladonna Bitchhole, who would have spread the yoghurt all over her pendulous bosoms if I'd asked her to fetch it from the fridge.
DeleteYum!
ReplyDeleteI do love that when you get a yoghurt with a delightful layer of pre-cum. That's what comes of shopping at Iceland. I'm glad you enjoyed your raspberry, Mitzi. It really is a rare delight. I wonder whether Carmen would like to meet my maid, Belladonna Bitchhole?
DeleteFanny has switched the TV on.
ReplyDeletePrince William is on TV.
Fanny grabs a bulldog clip from her stationery cupboard and lovingly pinches her own nipple at the sight of Prince William in his tight red outfit.