Just woke up screaming the house down after having a nightmare about my Russian ex-maid, Belladonna, who is living rough on the village green. I dreamt she was stuck inside an old television and then, as the nightmare unfolded, she slithered out of the tv, like a scene from The Ring, and tried to eat me alive.
Darling Fanny:
ReplyDeleteClearly, judging from the appearance of your television, you embrace the very latest in technology.
But, to the point. What an absolutely terrifying experience for you. In order to avoid a recurrence of this nightmare we suggest that you telephone the local council and have Belladonna moved on. If that is not possible, then send her here where the government has passed legislation making it against the law to live rough and/or sleep on the street. The prisons are filling up so get her here soon!!
My dearest Jane and Lance,
DeleteI have taken your advice to the fullest and telephoned the Stray Dogs section of the council and re-cited a byelaw to them that all dogs appearing to be stray should be rounded up and taken to Battersea Dogs' Home. However, Belladonna is so gargantuan she wouldn't fit in the back of the van and is still 'at large' (quite literally) on the Green. What am I to do?
Oh dear, I hope I don't get the same nightmare now ...
ReplyDeleteThanks for being the connection to Jane and Lance. You should heed their advice, they are very wise.
Hello Tiffany,
Deletethanks for visiting the blog, you're welcome here anytime. I always seek expert advice from Jane and Lance, as they're experts on many subjects associated with style... etiquette, dining, men, shopping, etc.
It's not something I like to talk about, I suppose it's because of the stigma attached to it, but for a short time in 2002 I found myself sleeping rough and surrounded by other people who were also sleeping rough, the memory of it still haunts me to this day. Dear Fanny, I once spent a weekend staying at the Norbreck Castle in Blackpool, what I learnt from it all is that it can happen to anyone, who books a mystery weekend break away with National Holidays! Sleeping rough on the village green inside a skip is five star luxury compared with that bug hutch in Blackpool.
ReplyDeleteOh my word, Mitzi, the Norbreck Castle in Blackpool, it sounds horrideous, or in Belladonna's eyes an absolute mecca. I clicked the link to Tripadvisor and loved the first review as follows:
Delete“Never again”
2 of 5 stars Reviewed 2 days ago
Room very out dated, dark and pokey, bed linen was inside out, heating pipes made a terrible noise in the early hours, thick layer of dust on top of the wardrobe, sink kept blocking up and the hot water took ages to come even Luke warm. Towels were hard. "
What style, what glamour there is in Blackpool! I would love to stay in a 'bug hutch' as you put it, it sounds a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity. And Blackpool, what a beautiful destination. Do they really sell Kiss Me Quick Fuck Me Slow hats on the seaside?
Good GOd Fanny !
ReplyDeleteIt's like a still from a Tarkovsky picture (Stalker or such) !
Are you alive & not bitten - still ?
Get yer shots, darling.
I can relate to this "living rough" part, but there is always the matter of Style, isn't it ! ? So tell Belladonna to get their act together, she really needs to shed some pounds, I mean even at the commons greens we want to make an impression, don't we ?
TA, basics ....
63mago darling, thanks for visiting. MGM sent out a talent scout the other day and offered Belladonna the star role in a 2014 remake of Nosferatu, clearly based on her good looks. But yes, she is very obese and had to be carried in a reinforced wheelbarrow after pigging out all day on cakes, scones, Tunnock's tea cakes, Terry's Chocolate Oranges, Fray Bentos pies, Mars Bars, and other snacks. She is now the size of a house. You are so right that we must maintain a certain standard and England's green and pleasant lands are at risk from the unsightly spectre of Belladonna and her nomadic lifestyle.
DeleteI have been trying to get Mitzi to swap her Maid-of-no-work, Carmen, with Belladonna, but she remains obstinate that she loves her maid with all her heart...
Off to the doctors for my shots, then.
I'm willing to swap her for one of these
ReplyDeleteThat's a deal! What is it? It looks like a walking stick with a giraffe on the end? Or is it some fancy Zulu/Safari-inspired vibrator for ladies of a certain age?
DeletePut your troublesome maid, Belladonna, on a Malaysia Airlines flight. She'll never be seen again....
ReplyDeleteThat's some scary shit. I like it. You reckon she'd fit inside a flatscreen too?
ReplyDeleteYou should put an ad on Craigslist, as there's plenty of elderly Americans looking for live-in slut maids, especially of the larger variety. I'm sure she'd be popular. Once you got rid of her, you could hire yourself a nice sexy Argentinian or Brazilian butler? They really are the best lovers, those Latin Americans! Pussy x
ReplyDelete