It was whilst reading the blog of my gorgeous friend, MitziclutterfromtheGutter, that I came up with the idea of placing a lonely heart's ad on the community noticeboard at Morrisons.
Despite retaining my fastidious loathing of the working classes, I felt it was high time to get what on the scene is known as some "rough trade". I vowed to boldly go where no upper-class lady has gone before. I meekly presented my typewritten personal ad to Customer Services, having waded through a sea of blue-rinsed, comb-over wildebeests.
Despite retaining my fastidious loathing of the working classes, I felt it was high time to get what on the scene is known as some "rough trade". I vowed to boldly go where no upper-class lady has gone before. I meekly presented my typewritten personal ad to Customer Services, having waded through a sea of blue-rinsed, comb-over wildebeests.
I then scuttled off home and got Cook to make me breakfast. Pondering what I had done, I sat slurping my Egg Nog and Bacon (spirits such as brandy or rum or bourbon are often added; can't choose which? Do as I do, and add all three!), whilst waiting nervously for the first love-letter to come through my letterbox.
Thank you Fanny for the much deserved mention. I hope you know what you're letting yourself in for. My maid of all work Carmen pinned an ad on Morrisons notice board a few months ago, it read:
ReplyDelete"sofisticated maid, with own teeth. wants 2 meet anyone of the male sex, age + looks unimportant, absolutely nobody refused, unemployed and wheelchair users welcome."
As you can imagine she was inundated with the most unsavoury callers, so much so I had to put a cap on the amount she had to just four a day, even those slow witted people that drool and make walrus in heat sounds turned up, accompanied by their carers.
Dearest Mitzi
DeleteI'm afraid you were all too correct: I found the maid in bed with a lesbian potato-picker from Spalding, Lincolnshire. They were making disgusting noises during their sordid love-making, like a donkey braying. I'm glad I was otherwise engaged when that potential suitor knocked on my door.
Darling Fanny,
ReplyDeleteWe rather think that you and Madame Mitzi protest too much.
All this talk of Morrisons ( where did the apostrophe go, we wail!?) and, yet, you claim to detest the place. We, on the other hand, can truthfully say that we have not entered the grammatically incorrect Morrisons in our lives and do feel that you should both get yourselves into the nearest Waitrose without any more ado.
There you will find a better class of customer, a better quality fish pie and, we imagine, an altogether more satisfactory Human Resources Department which will provide you with everything you need or desire and delivered to your hall door.
We note from Darling Mitzi's comment above that,since Carmen placed her advertisement on the nasty M notice board, the Mitzi household has been overrun with vagrants seeking goodness knows what. Will you girls not be told by those, namely us, who warn you against such dangerous activities? The next thing we know, the two of you, Carmen and Juan in tow, will be going on a family outing to Morrisons caff, sitting on the indescribably unpleasant upholstery whilst chomping your way through deliriously decorated iced fancies........
Meanwhile......at The Ritz......
Boots and Waterstones have also stopped using the apostrophe. It's a ruddy disgrace!
DeleteI too have campaigned for the reintroduction of the now obsolete apostrophe.
DeleteI must try Waitrose... it sounds like heaven on earth. I'd love to have a foursome with Mitzi, Carmen, Juan and moi. And at Morrisons caff. We could smear each other in bacon fat and see what happens after that.
Oh the Ritz... it was my social ruin. See blog entry. *Weeps uncontrollably into hat.*
DeleteI love your address: "Cowdrift Lane, Brill, Fuckinghamshire, United States of England"!
ReplyDeleteYes, it's real. The Post Office don't like it, but I insist on using it on my silver-embossed letterhead. As for "Cowdrift Lane", during the Great Winter Floods, we often see cows drifting past as the River floods. It's easier on the farmers.. they get the cows to market quicker.
DeleteWith such an enticing ad, your bound to get a slew of "letters" into your "in" box dear.
ReplyDeleteI love technology but I also love it when Postman Pat shoves a big thick letter through my slot.
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