What an intensely horrid experience: being boo-ed and shouted off stage, spat at, caterwauled at, jeered and molested, after giving what I considered to be my best operatic performance. I was then threatened both verbally and physically; hit by a rotten tomato; an egg; and a tin of Chappie dog food; then boisterously harangued by Welsh-speaking lesbians; sexually deviant, pious farmers; and what felt like the entire population of West Wales, unmedicated and trying to assault me with riding crops and bibles.
The organiser, Mr Dai Evans, a bald, seedy, 4ft" nothing man with a face like a shrivelled beetroot, appealed to the church for calm, yet he was as much use as a chocolate tea-cup when it came to protecting me from projectiles. It was as if a riot had broken out in the pews.
Not knowing what I had done wrong, I fled the church by the rear entrance, amid a background of hissing, and grabbed the key to the "luxury, private accommodation" I had been promised in the invitation. My work, controversial at best, has often driven me underground, but I had never expected such outrage as a result of a performance. Now was the time to retreat to my suite, run a bath, have a jacuzzi, maybe order room service or have a massage, or just empty the mini-bar in its entirety and do something wildly impulsive.
I was stricken with a deathly pallor when I arrived at the "luxury accommodation", promised by the organisers:-
I cannot write the words of what occurred next, it is simply too traumatic, too intense. It was later reported on the local TV network as a huge gas explosion, unexplained, with the authorities investigating its cause.
Given the highly abusive response to my wonderful operatic performance, and the atrocious accommodation (akin to being forced to visit a Third World Country like Belgium), I instructed Juan to chauffeur me the 4 hour journey back to Wiltshire. I am never setting foot in the country of Wales ever again in my life, I feel like I have been raped!
Oh Fanny, you were not hurt were you?
ReplyDeleteI hope you are ok? Have a stiff glass of Dalmore Selene whiskey and that will sort you out. And then have some hot steamy sex. Nothing will work better than mad drunken sex.
Truelove
x o x o
I hope the lesbians didn't cause you too much distress. They eat babies you know!
ReplyDeleteHello my dearest Truelove and my dearest Mitzi
ReplyDeleteI shall take your advice and get completely twatted on whiskey and have drunken, violent sex with the staff. I had been warned about the lesbians, and as Mitzi says, they do eat babies, stealing them from unattended prams and devouring them, and that's just the vegetarian lesbians. I am planning a trip to Bournemouth soon, where apparently, lesbians are not allowed.
love to you both
Fanny xx