I've got 17 bathrooms here at Raffles, so I had one of these diamond-studded toilets installed in each bathroom. When you flush, the thing plays Greensleeves at full volume. Delightful! And, of course, it was necessary to buy some new toilet paper, too. So I chose the following design, completely bespoke. There's something so satisfying about my choice of design... and it doesn't feel scratchy on the bum like that horrid old tracing-paper stuff.
Unbleached, unpulped, soft-as-a-feather toilet tissue
with Belladonna the Maid's ugly face lovingly printed onto
every sheet.
That toilet paper is frightening! It reminds me of an old Monte Python book, "Dr Fegg's Nasty Book of Knowledge," which I highly recommend if you can find it. It's a classic.
ReplyDeleteI will dig out Dr Fegg's Nasty Book of Knowledge - it sounds divine. Belladonna, my maid of no work, is now living on the village green, amidst the bins.
DeleteLove the toilet paper, it's also ideal for mopping up those post coitus juices. Here is the perfect accompaniment for your diamond studded shitter and it's from Asda too, so it's affordable to the poor. There has been many a time, in the past, when I've gone out on one of my little night time jaunts to a council estate, looking through their windows to see how the other half live, it always amazes me, that they can afford to buy huge screen televisions for their "front room" and yet they have no money to buy curtains. Liberty's do a lovely range of soft furnishing. Sometimes I will knock on a door at random and ask the dweller if I may use their toilet, and let me tell you Fanny, most of those council house toilets are all lacking in... well let say "April freshness" one council house dweller I visited in Hull recently had no window in his bathroom just some sort of fan that turn on when the light cord was pulled and he had cress growing on an old flannel. Oh, now I feel one of my heads coming on.
ReplyDeleteI too have an obsession about council estates: there's nothing enchanting about the mean, little rabbit-hutch-style houses the lower-classes live in, but the one redeeming feature are the 'chavs'. Some of them are very good in bed! I sympathise over your horrible encounter in Hull where you discovered cress growing out of an old flannel and a bathroom with no window. Is it correct to say that Hull is actually pronounced 'Ull?
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