My trusty, old-fashioned butler, Archibald - hard of hearing; heavy smoker's hacking cough; always wears Dame Edna Everage spectacles - is normally impeccably turned out in his 1920s black-and-white tuxedo. He's a God-send. He has been with me since 1981. He's of the old school, you see, and knows his vintage of wine with exactitude, knows how to serve devilled kidneys with tiny French silver forks, knows about Rita Hayworth, and knows how to shake a creme de menthe frappé in no time. But imagine when your once-respectable butler suddenly starts stripping off and waltzes across your formal lawn dressed in a dazzling-white, tiny posing pouch...
It's not that I mind his rampant voyerism, it's just that it might upset the neighbours! I do feel that Archibald might be better off retiring to a bungalow in Saltdean, not far from Brighton's gay beach. With that thought in mind, after almost 35 years of service, I made the decision to offer Archibald retirement today. He gets a £300,000 bungalow in Saltdean, paid by moi, and a pension of £30,000 per annum. He did thank me enormously and invite me to visit him in Saltdean, which I might well do.
No sooner had he departed for the Costa Geriatrica, then I had appointed my new butler. He doesn't know a thing about wine, art or etiquette, in fact he doesn't even know how to boil an egg and he doesn't speak a word of English, but I do think he makes an ideal replacement.
That's not a banana.
No sooner had he departed for the Costa Geriatrica, then I had appointed my new butler. He doesn't know a thing about wine, art or etiquette, in fact he doesn't even know how to boil an egg and he doesn't speak a word of English, but I do think he makes an ideal replacement.
Fanny is very much looking forward to licking caviar off that six-pack
Darling:
ReplyDeleteThere comes a time when we must let things go. So be it with Archibald. And who could not be content with a retirement in Saltdean - such luxury?
Now, as for Fanny......!! Do you by any chance have the name of the recruitment agency to hand?
My Darlings, I am so delighted you're back ... and what wonderful journeys you have had in the past year. I enjoyed your photos (and Lance looks so dashing, he positively set my pulse racing!).
DeleteI'll pass you the name of the recruitment agency, so you may too employ a 'young man about the house'. Archibald is enjoying Saltdean - the sea air has done wonders for his rheumatoid arthritis, he regularly walks to Brighton (stripped naked) and hitchhikes back (itself a reason alone not to visit the area!).
Fanny x
Darling, Now we are in possession of the Mad Boy, "young man about the house" is not quite such a necessity as it once was!!
DeleteMeanwhile, cannot wait to be back in Brighton for a sighting of an arthritic free Archibald!
My darlings, who is the Mad Boy that you speak of? Is he there for your entertainment or for Lance's? I'm intrigued by this new member of your household. Do tell more.
DeleteAs for Archibald, he's a strident member of the Saltdean and Peacehaven Naturist Rambler's Association. I am sure you will be seeing him soon if you're visiting Brighton. Probably seeing far more of him than you'd truly wish to! x
Darling, To answer your question, to 'entertain' both!!!
DeleteWhen the time comes, I think I will send my maid of all work to this place.
ReplyDeleteBexhill is wonderful. It has such a balmy climate, almost Mediterranean and the population is bolstered by teenage moms relocated from Croydon and Bromley as well as Afghans (not hounds) and the odd passing French lorry driver. There's a good cottage down there, just along the seafront. One dark night last year, I went in this particularly notorious cottage (a dripping, Victorian, subterranean loo) and it was only a matter of minutes before a rough French brute with the face of an angel came in and took me to the moon and back. Oh what delight! My cries of lust were heard for miles around.
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