Terrifying nightmare

Just woke up screaming the house down after having a nightmare about my Russian ex-maid, Belladonna, who is living rough on the village green.  I dreamt she was stuck inside an old television and then, as the nightmare unfolded, she slithered out of the tv, like a scene from The Ring, and tried to eat me alive.

 

The turning of the shrew

My pooches - Brenda, the stiletto-loving Doberman Pinscher and Mr Puffywuffycutesweetgummywummygumdrop, the dyed poodle - love watching television, and they're in awe when Superstar Dogs comes on.  In case you live in a remote part of Britain which hasn't yet been connected to the television network (such as Peterborough), Superstar Dogs is presented by the ever-so-dishy John Barrowman, in which dogs jump through hoops, dive into pools and are cannonballed across a football pitch.  Fanny heard on the showbiz grapevine that Cheryl Cole was asked to present the programme, but it didn't prove popular as viewers couldn't tell the difference between the presenter and the contestants!

As you can see from this photo, as Superstar Dogs reached its climax, both dogs began barking at fever pitch.  I couldn't understand what was wrong (Mr P tends to start licking the tv screen at the very sight of John Barrowman, as indeed do I).   As Brenda jumped up on the table and began growling, my blood froze.    Outside in the garden, staring hungrily in through the window was a ghastly spectre dressed in her usual slovenly attire of a 1980s Wonderwoman outfit.... it was, of course, Belladonna, my dangerously psychotic, Russian ex-maid, who, since her expulsion from my employ, has been living rough behind the bins on the village green.

I reached for an Uzi sawn-off shotgun (which I keep stashed in my bedsit cabinet, in case of opportunistic burglaries or visits from the Jehovah's Witnesses) and chased Belladonna out of the grounds back to where she was sleeping rough, firing a few rounds randomly into the air.  I discovered that the once-respectable village green has been turned into a rubbish tip.  Just look at the state of the place: 

*click to enlarge*: Belladonna is living in a yellow skip, and around it, a disgusting paraphernalia of half-eaten pizza, empty beer cans, a gargantuan pile of Quality Street wrappers (I read on Belladonna's previous employment report she once tried to commit suicide by consuming three tins of Quality Street in one sitting), as well as a filthy, stained mattress, five inflatable sex dolls, four tubes of KY jelly and Vaseline, three dildoes (one was 20 inches in length and double-pronged) and a foot-pump. 

To my horror, Belladonna was also holding this handwritten sign, visible to all passing traffic.

In a terrible flap, I screamed at the top of my voice, ran home, poured myself a triple strength gin-n-tonic, gobbled down some Xanax, Prozac, Lithium and Valium, snorted some Poppers, and then grabbed and began necking a bottle of whiskey.  My social standing amongst the villagers was now in tatters, thanks to Belladonna.   What was I to do?

Spiker stilettos

Just popped out for a dog walk, wearing these new stilettos, whilst the other dog walkers I saw were wearing plain old Wellington Boots.

Aren't they a delight?

 

Quelle horreur!

A man tapped on the window of my limousine to ask if he could have my autograph.  "Where shall I sign?" I said, batting my eyelids in false modesty and hungrily licking my lips.  I'm such a fame-whore, I love all the attention!  I was waiting for him to hand me an autograph book, or better still, to expose a part of his body for me to sign with my gold fountain pen stolen from the stationery counter at Harrods.  I love it when a young man wants my signature on his thigh, or better still, his groin or even further south.  However, he just shrugged and handed me an empty packet of pork scratchings.  Imagine that!  It felt like a slap round the face to be asked to sign my autograph on an packet of pork scratchings.

The consumption of pork scratchings is a bizarre British trait which I've never fully understood or appreciated: in certain quarters, they're consumed in large quantities. They consist of hairy bits of pig-rind, slick with fat; sometimes they're hard and could crack your teeth.  Every corner shop and every pub sells them and they're loaded with nutrients (100,000 calories per bite).  I shudder at the thought of having to eat one.  The smell reminds me of Belladonna.

Butler replaced

My trusty, old-fashioned butler, Archibald - hard of hearing; heavy smoker's hacking cough; always wears Dame Edna Everage spectacles - is normally impeccably turned out in his 1920s black-and-white tuxedo.  He's a God-send.  He has been with me since 1981.  He's of the old school, you see, and knows his vintage of wine with exactitude, knows how to serve devilled kidneys with tiny French silver forks, knows about Rita Hayworth, and knows how to shake a creme de menthe frappé in no time.  But imagine when your once-respectable butler suddenly starts stripping off and waltzes across your formal lawn dressed in a dazzling-white, tiny posing pouch...

 That's not a banana.

It's not that I mind his rampant voyerism, it's just that it might upset the neighbours!   I do feel that Archibald might be better off retiring to a bungalow in Saltdean, not far from Brighton's gay beach.   With that thought in mind, after almost 35 years of service, I made the decision to offer Archibald retirement today.  He gets a £300,000 bungalow in Saltdean, paid by moi, and a pension of £30,000 per annum.  He did thank me enormously and invite me to visit him in Saltdean, which I might well do.

No sooner had he departed for the Costa Geriatrica, then I had appointed my new butler.  He doesn't know a thing about wine, art or etiquette, in fact he doesn't even know how to boil an egg and he doesn't speak a word of English, but I do think he makes an ideal replacement.

 Fanny is very much looking forward to licking caviar off that six-pack

A dog's day

Here at Raffles, I share my life with two dogs: Brenda, my Doberman Pinscher and Mr P, my boisterous poodle.  Brenda used to jump on the chaise-longue, roll on her back and piss in Belladonna the Maid's face and was rewarded for doing so with copious amounts of Bonio's.  Mr P is short for Mr Puffywuffycutesweetgummywummygumdrop (Fanny likes a mouthful!).  Mr P likes his cuddles and walks in the rain.  

In this photo taken yesterday, you can see that Mr P stands incredibly still sometimes, so still that it's possible to put down a wine glass and wine bottle for a while.  He doesn't mind a bit.  When I come back, not a drop of wine has been spilt!

Today, it dawned on me that it was high time I got Mr P taken to the dog grooming parlour - his tresses were unruly, he is long overdue for a haircut.

 Mr P was very unhappy about having to sit next to that bitch.

"What is it you'd like done for him?" said the dog grooming parlour assistant.  

"Surprise me!" I said, before leaving the parlour to head off to my favourite high-class department store, Poundland.

Imagine my orgasmic delight when I returned to the dog parlour two hours later to pick up Mr P and found a transformed pooch. 

Here he is, in all his glory....

I am so amazed by his transformation from a white fluff-ball to a work of art, I have walked him round the village (I, myself, was naked at the time, but for an umbrella) to show off his beautiful plumage.

Reading material for yet another rainy day

Quite bored by now out of my tiny little skull, I selected this great-named book from the Library.  It's a delightful tome, I love the chapters "How To Eat With Your Pussy", "So you've Got a Fat Pussy", "Nursing a Sick Pussy" and of course "Exercising Your Pussy".  

Rainy day reading

I'd rather be out dogging this afternoon in my new French Maid outfit which arrived this morning in the post, but I'm stuck inside due to inclement weather.  So I had a rummage through the Library and came across this book.  What a delightful read, this classical handbook always gets my juices flowing....

Looks like someone else enjoyed this book:
I had to use a letter-opener as some of the pages were stuck together!

What type of 'girl' are you?

 

This photo is pinned to my dressing-room wall.  I regularly measure the length of my skirt, just to see which category I fall into.   I love going out dressed as a slut, in a bright, pink mini-skirt that is actually more of a belt, fluffy cow-girl boots and plenty of bling.

Let's just say I'm OCD about skirt length... but how little is too little?  What's the difference between 'cheeky' and an 'all-out slut'? 

The answer, my dears, is about three-and-a-half inches of fabric.

On a recent visit to London, here is a photograph of moi wearing a more conservative outfit, at the top of an escalator.

A bling toilet

I've got 17 bathrooms here at Raffles, so I had one of these diamond-studded toilets installed in each bathroom.   When you flush, the thing plays Greensleeves at full volume.  Delightful! And, of course, it was necessary to buy some new toilet paper, too.  So I chose the following design, completely bespoke.  There's something so satisfying about my choice of design... and it doesn't feel scratchy on the bum like that horrid old tracing-paper stuff.

Unbleached, unpulped, soft-as-a-feather toilet tissue

with Belladonna the Maid's ugly face lovingly printed onto

every sheet.

Extra security

As you can see, I've had to get extra security to prevent Belladonna, my arsonist maid (also known as Belladonna Bitchhole) from re-entering the premises after her scandalous shenanigans onboard a train.   These men were handpicked by none other than moi.    Third from the Left is very good in bed (I cannot begin to describe the sexual gymnastics he forced me to perform)!   We've had to put up electric fencing.  The place looks more like Colditz than Playgirl Mansion.

Meanwhile, I last saw Belladonna living out on the village green, rummaging through the bins, eating chicken gizzards.  It is so heart-warming to know that she's found her place in life.

 

Belladonna looks a bit rough in this photograph. 

Arson aboard the 23.52 service to London

Down in the kitchens, I was just about to stuff a turkey with a Terry's Chocolate Orange when the news came on the television.   Normally I don't watch TV whilst cooking, but it does make a nice background noise.   I froze in horror at the images being shown on screen ... all on live television, screened to millions across the nation!    (*Turn your volume up*)

Just watch this news report: 
 

Who'd have thought it?  Belladonna, the fire-starter!  

I am outraged that the BBC News mistakenly put a photograph of an elderly woman wearing a Burqa to represent me.  My publicist would have sent them one of my glamour-modelling shots, but no they put up a picture of someone who is not even me.  No doubt done on purpose! They shall be hearing from my lawyer!

Belladonna Bitchhole has brought my household into unforgivable and serious disrepute.  I really must get rid of her now.   Apparently, she's been released on police bail.  I shall have to booby-trap the drive so she can't even get near the house...

Why I bought 12 truckloads of spray

 

I'm at my wit's end as to what to do about my maid, Belladonna (known by her pet-name, Belladonna Bitchhole).  This morning I went to Pets R Us - a shop run by poodles, for poodles - and purchased 12 truckloads of this delightful spray.  When I got home and found Belladonna, I sprayed a whole can in her face, the way police officers spray mace on Police Camera Action (my second favourite TV programme, after The Wombles).  She's now weeping in the coal-shed, much sub-dued.

Round the bend with Belladonna Bitchhole

As you can see, my maid, Belladonna Bitchhole, has gone completely mad this New Year's Eve.   She stands on the grand staircase, dressed as a blancmange.  Yes, that's right, dear Reader, it's not a typo or a drunken rant on my part.  She was literally wearing a wobbling dress made from extra-strength pink blancmange, itself a sort of trifle or after-dinner pudding appreciated in French circles.  She'd also dyed her hair green.  I love the way her pudgy little arms poke out the sides, like ham bones.  

Really, that varmint would try the patience of an oyster.  I must get rid of her.

Fanny Love now on Twitter

Roll up, roll up.  Fanny Love has signed up to Twitter.  Follow me on https://twitter.com/FannyLoveTV

What is Twitter?, I hear you ask.

According to techno-queen, Fanny Love, Twitter is:

1. A social network allowing anyone exactly 0.547893 seconds of fame


2. A social network allowing anyone to post what they ate for breakfast, the conversation they had with a stranger on the bus, the last bowel movement they had, or any other profoundly irrelevant information. 

3. A comment posted on Twitter is called a Tweet.  And a Twitter user is called a Twat.

4. Twitter has over 230 million users.  Almost three quarters are resident in some form of Secure Psychiatric Unit.


5. If you have an obsession about under-sink plumbing, Viennese piano-tuning, 1970s Uruguyan three-wheeler motor vehicles, or Esquimo Lesbianism, Twitter is the place to post - you're sure to find an audience, no matter how strange your interest.

6. Twitter typos can be disastrous to your career - when gorgeous Scottish beauty Susan Boyle promoted her new music collection Standing Ovation: The Greatest Songs from the Stage, her Twitter hash-tag was accidentally susanalbumparty.   It can be read both ways: "Susan Album Party" or "Sus Anal Bum Party".  It depends if you have a filthy mind.   Naughty SuBo!



7. Twitter has been going since the 1950s.  Its logo is a white dove evacuating its bowels against a blue sky, representing the release of pertinent information.

8. Twitter is not suited for the verbose; if you suffer grandiosity or a need to go into excessive detail, Twitter is restricted to 160 characters.  You could, of course, get a blog instead.  Or just go to a public toilet with a felt tip pen and record your thoughts on the toilet wall.

9. My favourite 'must-read' Tweet was by a 1980s pop star who Tweeted about a rather unpleasant experience he had with an Angel Delight Trifle in the Gents loo at the top of the Taipei 101 Tower.  Delightful!

10. Many famous people appear on Twitter, and their philosophical posts are celebrated by the world's media.  It made front page headlines when one of the Wombles - I think it was Uncle Bulgaria - posted that he made marmalade out of ear-wig droppings.  Gripping.

11. Fanny Love's first Tweet was "Twitter is so exciting, I decided to put my head in the oven".

 Fanny, bored, home alone, and with her head in the oven, after after just 2 seconds on Twitter

So if you're not already on Twatter, 2014 is the year to sign up and to regale the world with intimate and riveting descriptions of kitchen-sink life.   Toodle-pipsqueak!

Christmas tantrums from Belladonna

In a moment of sheer vodka-induced boredom, Fanny created this lovely, Belladonna-themed snow-globe.  A little plasticine model of Belladonna, horrifyingly realistic, was placed inside the globe, itself a forgotten Christmas present from 1981.  I've emailed Toys R Us to see if they're interested in the design.  

Meanwhile, Belladonna has been whining like a spoilt brat today, demanding her Christmas gifts.  I found her standing on top of my Louis Quatorze piano, stamping her feet on the lid in a little rage.   As my least favourite member of staff, I've tried countless times to terminate her from my household, with little success.   Knowing that I'd be shackled with her over the Christmas period, I spent Christmas Eve wrapping up a few 'special', unforgettable gifts for her, especially hand-picked, to show her just who is boss.

My first gift to my lovely, very beautiful maid was a set of Sea Urchin Earrings.  She looked a little miffed when she tore open the Christmas wrapping paper like a rabid dog.  She just sat there, expressionless. Ungrateful wench!

The second present I thrust into her grubby little hands was this.

That's right.  It's an electric eel.  A thoughtful and heartfelt gift to a much-loved maid.  I even wrapped it in a sheet of tinfoil.  She's in a sulk now.  I can't think why!

Cook and her Yorkshire Pudding fetish

Oh dear Lord!  Cook has gone round the bend again for the sixty-seventh time this year.  I discovered she drunk the Gin Cabinet completely dry - all 182 bottles drained!

As for her warped state of mind, her planned menu for tomorrow's Grand Christmas lunch consisted of:

•  marshmallow in Minestrone soup;
  
• followed by a latte with shredded tuna; 
  
• liver and squid casserole; an oyster milkshake;
• flambéed octopus served in a waffle,

and other, quite frankly disgusting culinary perversions.

Worst of all, she had made a Yorkshire Pudding Tower, almost 40-feet tall, containing over 1000 Yorkshire puddings. 

I'm going to have to get rid of her.  Immediately.   I asked her to come up to the fourth floor and take a seat in the ejector seat.   I felt a jolt of joy as I pressed the red button and watched the hatch in the ceiling open and shoot Cook at high speed out into the night air, in the general direction of Long Crendon, some 5 miles away.

You might remember that last Christmas, I appeared on live television for my I'd Like to Teach the World to Cook series (click the link, bitches!).

Meanwhile, Belladonna, my maid, is masturbating furiously over the sight of the 40-foot tall Yorkshire Pudding Tower.

Silence is golden

This is my maid.   Her name is Belladonna Zlatogrivov.  She has a fetish for Wonder Woman-themed garments, mostly lycra that is obscenely revealing of her tree-trunk sized thighs.  She chews liquorice.  She eats brussel sprout sandwiches.  Her favourite hobbies are doing the shot-put and naked oil wrestling.  Her training at the Vladvistok School of Domesticity didn't even get as far as "how to make a cup of tea".  

She is utterly without point.  No matter how many times I've tried to get rid of the woman, she keeps coming back to me.   She is a literal white elephant, costing me a fortune in her fees yet being completely useless and incompetent of even the simplest task.

Last night, after imbibing too much absinthe, I had the most lurid nightmare about Belladonna:

Yes, that's right, in a kaleidoscope of colour and song, Belladonna Zlatogrivov appeared to be walking along the Yellow Brick Road with Dorothy and others towards the Emerald City.  It was most disturbing.   I feel quite nauseous, woke in a terrible start, and have just consumed a whole packet of Xanax and Prozac.

This morning, as if by some queer design, Belladonna came into the sitting room with my breakfast which she had "murdered": some rock-hard boiled eggs; a greasy flute of champagne; some smoked-salmon garnished with a sprig of lavender.   Yes, that's right smoked salmon and lavender go together like lesbians and kittens.   Anyway, at that point, she accidentally (on purpose) tripped on the rug and threw the whole breakfast tray into my lap.

Outraged at her insubordination, it dawned on me that there was one way - and one way only - of discipling this unruly waif.

That's right: silence is golden... duct tape is silver.  And Fanny is very nifty with a pair of scissors.  Here's the result:

All trussed up with no-where to go: Belladonna hasn't let out a squeak.  An unnatural silence has descended on the house.

A quick suck

I enjoy gobbling down caviar.   Don't you?   I'm not talking about the cheap crap that Lidl are currently peddling for £1.69!   For me, it's Beluga, always.  Little black balls of love, I call them, presented in a dark-blue tin with gold emboss all the way from Russia, usually costing around £2,500 per tin - a rare, decadent delicacy, as scintillating as sex. 

When I entered the larder this morning, I screamed "Quelle horreur" in anguish at the realisation that the caviar was all gone - not a pot anywhere in the house, and so none for breakfast.   What was I to do?

I grabbed a pair of binoculars and spied my neighbour's well-stocked fishing lake.  Lady Battenburg-Windsor-Rump-Python-Coningsby is her name, and I cannot be bothered socialising with her or even remembering her ridiculous penta-barrelled name, as she is merely cheap, nouveau riche trash.

Ten minutes later, if anybody had been looking, they might have seen me wearing this racy swimsuit beside her fishing lake with a net in my mouth.  

In the blink of an eye, I plunged into the freezing water and spotted a huge adult sturgeon fish lurking at the murky bottom.  The thing put up a lot of fight, but I snagged the fish in the net, climbed out of the lake, made a run for it, somersaulting over the hedge across my extensive grounds to the kitchens with the slippery fish in tow.

The picture below best describes what I did next, aided by a plastic drinking straw which I was momentarily able to allow to leave my glass of gin n tonic:

Fish preparation techniques from world renowned gastronome, Fanny Love: Removing caviar the simple way.  Just grab any old sturgeon fish from your neighbour's pond, shove a drinking straw up its orifice and suck for England!  You will soon be rewarded with caviar.

Whilst startled at the striking resemblance of the sturgeon fish to my maid, Belladonna (they both have the same bottom-feeder physical qualities), I sucked away with the drinking straw trying to extract some caviar from the damned thing.  All the fish did was wriggle around.

Alas, the whole plan backfired (quite literally) when the fish flicked its tail, gave me a look of utter disdain, and released its bowels all over my face.   

Welshman gets toilet roll stuck up his back passage

As Fanny was eating her £5.98 fish 'n' chips last night, she caught sight of a very interesting news article amidst the oily wrappings (the newspapers in United States of England are so dire nobody actually reads them, instead they wrap greasy cooked fish meals in them).

The story was about Fanny's favourite little nation, Wales, where the earth is 90% covered in permafrost year-round and a bat is not a flying creature but a national delicacy.  Anyway, published in the Independent, this delightful Yuletide story - no doubt read out to scores of children as a bedtime story - goes like this:
  

"A Welshman was forced to call 999 after he got a toilet roll holder stuck up his bottom.  The un-named man, who appears to have been home at the time, was left unable to move, but luckily had his mobile phone close by.

Firemen who attended the scene were able to free him from the object successfully, but he did require on the spot medical treatment from paramedics

The firemen then provided the man, from Newport, South Wales, with “suitable advice” to avoid getting into a similar predicament again"

What a fame-whore this un-named Welshman is!  I wouldn't put it past my maid, Belladonna Zlatgrivov, to try a cheap publicity trick like that, although she's Russian!  

My question is rather simple: Is inserting a toilet roll holder into one's derrière a national past-time in Wales?